When Hurricane Florence was approaching, I knew that God was testing me. Like many who find themselves in the relentless path of a natural disaster, I found that I had a gut-wrenching decision to make, and not a lot of time to make it in.

That’s why I decided to let all 300 of the pigs on my hog farm drown.

I’m not saying it was easy. But sometimes God sends us gifts, and sometimes God sends us challenges. He is all-knowing and has His great design. I dealt with this challenge by taking inspiration from a group of people who have been given many lemons, since Biblical times, and made lemonade.

I turned to the wisdom of God’s chosen people, the Jews.

Today is Yom Kippur, the Jews’ highest holy day, in which they fast for 24 hours to atone for their sins. The timing is right, so I’m choosing to wash my soul clean the same way my favorite Jews (William Shatner, Chico Marx and Fyvush Finkel) do – by admitting my sins and asking God for forgiveness.

For hearing their helpless shrieking and wondering if I should save my TV – I am sorry.

For knowing they were going to die in abject misery and wondering if Sonic was still open – I am sorry.

For guaranteeing their painful demise by locking the door to their pens so escape was impossible – I am sorry.

For taking out my welding kit and melting the door onto its frame so even the most determined could not escape – I am sorry.

For allowing their corpses to become bloated and ultimately digest themselves in their own putrid gasses – I am sorry.

For coming back and taking photos of their bobbing corpses to sell to the Associated Press – I am sorry.

I feel a lot better now about my decision to leave 300 pigs to die needlessly, without doing even so much as leaving the door slightly ajar for them. So thank you, Jews! If you ate pork, I’d give you some head cheese that I made from the face meat of the few critters that weren’t already partially decomposed!

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