In order to fight hypothetical terrorism, sometimes you have to bite a literal dildo. On the latest installment of Who Is America?, Sacha Baron Cohen, in a seemingly effortless attempt, convinces a grown man to chomp down on a strap-on that he’s wearing, claiming this will assist him in the event of a terrorist attack. Cohen is nearly unrecognizable disguised as fictional Israeli soldier Erran Morad, complete with a wig and facial prosthetics. He educates Daniel Roberts, founder of Youth Shooters of America (an organization that teaches and promotes competitive youth shooting sports), on the proper precautions to protect himself during a terrorist attack.

When the average, God-fearing American hears the words “terrorist attack,” they don’t think of the flagrant mass shootings by white males all around the country. That would be too logical. They think of Osama Bin Laden and Muslims in Mosques gunning them down in the streets, attempting to ruthlessly steal their freedom. Luckily, Morad (Cohen) has come to Roberts’ aid. After a couple of simple lessons on speaking in an absurdly loud manner to deter an attack and throwing a suicide bomber baby doll in a garbage can, Morad (Cohen) persuades this poor, gullible bastard to plainly “eat a dick,” as it were.

Morad (Cohen), donning a floppy strap-on, instructs Roberts not to “let go until you are safe” before simulating a beheading by sword. Roberts heeds instruction exceedingly well and fervently takes the proverbial plunge. Before the sword reaches his neck, Roberts, already in precarious position on his knees, swiftly places his mouth around the phallus, bites, and, with the flesh-colored dildo in place, goes as far to say, through the gritted teeth of an American hero no less, that he can fit two in there. Hookers around the world applaud this man’s enthusiasm. He didn’t need to question why the terrorist’s cock was out or why biting said cock would be the most rational option of defense. He just dove right in and showed that rubbery penis no mercy, mauling on it with the intensity of a rabid dog, whilst vehemently grabbing Cohen’s thighs with the passion of a true patriot.

Not only has Cohen taught Roberts the effectiveness of dick-biting, he taught us all what genuine valor looks like. Roberts, being the righteous, compliant nationalist that he is, knew that taking a mouthful could save lives. He didn’t think; he acted, and that, ladies and gentlemen, is the most authentic trait of today’s modern American.

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Nice Girl extraordinaire, purveyor of all things Pittsburgh, firmly believes that Stephen Colbert should be president, finds the term “selfie” abhorrent, advocate for the appropriate application of alliteration.

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