“Hell is empty and all the devils are here.”

Registered sex offender Brock Turner is appealing his 2016 rape conviction. He was convicted of three sexual assault felonies, faced 14 years in prison, was sentenced to six months in jail, and served three.

The basis of his appeal is that he claims that he did not want to have sex with his victim, but simply wanted to participate in “outercourse.” Yes, “outercourse” is a thing, most likely only discussed in a Catholic school’s abstinence-heavy health class.

I’m not sure what his parents are putting in his morning oatmeal, but it is possible that he may suffer from moderate-to-acute hysteria. Living in a gated Ohio suburb, Turner is sequestered in the home of his parents, where he gets very few visitors, the isolation corroding his already unfortunate mental state.

Perhaps he’s been watching too many reruns of Looney Tunes’ Pepé Le Pew, and his Stanford-educated intellect has deteriorated as a result, but supposedly, his intentions were pure — he didn’t actually want to rape that woman behind a dumpster in an alley. His attorney, Eric Multhaup, has stated that Brock was only interested in “outercourse,” which is considered fully-clothed sexual contact. In a bygone age, it used to just be called “dry humping,” but in 2018 only a sex-positive term will do.

Whatever his intentions might have been, here’s the thing — how can any form of contact, sexual or otherwise, be considered consensual if the partner/subject/victim is unconscious? The boy who cried “outercourse” and his dismal entreaty are nothing less than the ravings of a madman.

According to the Huffington Post, a panel of “three justices have 90 days to discuss Multhaup’s appeal argument and issue a ruling.” It’s like Multhaup is trying to put a Band-Aid on a bullet hole, one that’s right on the femoral artery.

Perhaps client and attorney should be evaluated for neurological trauma, because what they are claiming is so ludicrous that it has to be the fabricated story of a raving lunatic. However, at the end of the day, Brock Turner is still a rapist.

See Jane Doe’s victim statement here.


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Nice Girl extraordinaire, purveyor of all things Pittsburgh, firmly believes that Stephen Colbert should be president, finds the term “selfie” abhorrent, advocate for the appropriate application of alliteration.

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