We simple American folk sure do love a British royal wedding. Why is that? Why do we care about what goes on in a country that hasn’t had sovereignty over us for 242 years? Because it’s ROYAL, God damn it, and we are easily distracted by pretty, shiny things. The closest thing we have to royalty in the U.S. is Beyoncé and as far as I’m concerned, that’s stretching it. Plus, we have a stake in this wedding: Meghan Markle is American. We can’t have her making us look bad. Frankly, she doesn’t have what it takes to look lousy; Meghan Markle may be one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen in my life.  God, I hate her.  And I love her.  And I hate her.  And so it begins.

Even though regular weddings can be notoriously boring, this won’t be. Millions of people will tune in this Saturday, some as early as 4am, to watch the noble nuptials. Viewers will be dressing up their dogs, playing royal wedding bingo, and live-tweeting the whole thing. (I’m really concerned what Suzanne from Dubuque, Iowa thinks about the floral arrangements. I’m not being snarky.  I actually do care.  Keep up the good work, Suzanne.) The bride and groom will treat their guests to a lemon-elderflower wedding cake, a plethora of peonies, and fascinators galore.  The family has actually cut costs by hosting the ceremony and following receptions (yes, plural, as in more than one reception, how the other half lives…) at their pad, Windsor Castle. Inconveniently, the cost of security will befall the taxpayers. Sorry chaps! Think of it as a generous wedding gift for people you don’t know.

Due to health issues, Meghan’s father, Thomas Markle, will not be attending the wedding. If you’ve been reading any wedding-related press to date, you’ll know that “health issues” is now synonymous with “being a crashing bore who doesn’t have the good sense not to prance around his dusty town in Mexico, trying on wedding suits and courting the paparazzi for a buck.” In Mr. Markle’s stead, Prince Charles will be walking Ms. Markle half way down the aisle and, in a nod to the incredible awkwardness of the situation, the ceremony will omit the moment of “giving away” the bride. Perhaps while Mr. Markle is watching the proceedings, lolling on the couch in his pajamas, he’ll take a moment to consider his actions.  Or he won’t.  Maybe he’s cut a deal with the paps to snap him watching the big event on the telly.   Either way, best of luck with his unexpected retirement plan.

I wasn’t alive for Diana and Charles’ televised wedding in 1981 but I did watch Kate and William’s. It’s just one of those things; you’ll always remember where you watched it and how it made you feel. (Poor. It made me made me feel poor). Despite making me feel like a feudal peasant, I love it when the Windsors throw a party. I get to be a part of something fabulously regal without being a part of it at all whatsoever, thanks to their overwhelming need to televise their private family functions. Moreover, if it’s on TV, you have to watch it, kind of like looming impeachment proceedings (fingers crossed). It’s not every day we get to witness a spectacle like this, so why not immerse ourselves in the aristocracy for a couple of hours? Tomorrow I’ll get up earlier than I ever would on a Saturday, watch two people I’ll never meet get married, take a nap, then go along living my life. I think I’ll even have cake for breakfast.  And champagne. Or beer. Either way, cheers to the happy couple!

Royalty By The Numbers

  • Markle, 36 — Prince Harry, 33
  • The wedding will require about 250 members of the armed forces to keep the peace.
  • Up to 100,000 people are expected to line the procession route.
  • Markle will have 10 bridesmaids as well as an assortment of pageboys.
  • 600 guests have been invited to the wedding itself at St. George’s Chapel. An additional 200 guests have been invited to the evening reception.
  • The entire wedding will cost upwards of £32 million.
  • Estimates put the cake at £50,000, the florist at £110,000, and the catering at £286,000.
  • The wedding will begin 12pm GMT, and will be televised in the U.S. at 4am PT, 7am EST.

About Author

Nice Girl extraordinaire, purveyor of all things Pittsburgh, firmly believes that Stephen Colbert should be president, finds the term “selfie” abhorrent, advocate for the appropriate application of alliteration.

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