In my experience, I find most people are easily categorized. Perhaps that makes me a judgmental bastard but I can live with it. As far as I see it, men fall into a few more basic categories than women, these include:

The Lunkheads – Comprises every type of sports, gun, car, Republican or fitness fanatic.

The Bottom Dollars – Those obsessed with money and all things material…the ones that get the new iPhone the first day it comes out.

The Faux Empathists – These include all the whiny sensitive poet types, vegans, and those with an intense love for Feist… also anyone who ever voted for Jill Stein.

The Dude Bros – These guys are always getting the action. They’re a laid back contingent. Their easy going demeanor attracts women like flies to honey. They have tat sleeves and wine corks in their ears.  Their vocabulary is rather limited… they liberally sprinkle their vapid thoughts with the word ‘dude’ and ‘bro’, hence their name.

The Geeks – Those that haven’t been properly socialized, that live on the edge of society, comix lovers, vinyl enthusiasts and extra points for the ones with Asperger’s syndrome.

With women, I feel there are really only three main categories… Dems dat choose, dems dat be chosen, and dem atypical irregulars

Let’s take a look at the first main category – Dems dat CHOOSE. These are the alpha women. They blissfully steamroll through life getting what they want due to their superior looks and charisma. These women pick and choose men with supreme ease, never really getting too serious with any one suitor. They definitely hold all the cards in their relationships and have a way of constantly keeping their prey off guard, never making them feel too secure, always giving them the sense that dump-age is imminent. They are power-houses. The normal rules don’t apply to them. They can go well into their fifties playing the same game. The only thing able to stop them in their tracks is their Mr. Big, usually some fuckstick who’s either very rich, very good looking or both. Eventually every alpha woman will meet their match, and when they do, that’s the end of the road. Usually it all ends up in a bar, divorce court, on social media or the Real Housewives.

The next category – Dems ‘dat be chosen is the most common. These women are not quite good looking or charismatic enough to hold all the cards. Insecurity reigns supreme here as there are many in this waiting room that suffer through all sorts of mental struggles ranging from body dysmorphia to borderline personality disorder. They rarely have the wherewithal to wind up with anyone they truly want, rather relying on chance or the kindness of strangers. Some of these women can be very good looking, so for men seeking bargains, this is a good bin to rustle around in if you’re looking for something pretty to throw around the house – until you get sick of it that is. In the end, these women usually wind up with a nice, boring, stable guy if they’re lucky, and genital warts and a three week stint at Bellevue if they’re not.

The third and rarest category of all, are the atypical irregulars. These are the women that somehow miraculously escape all social conventions, and are actually unique individuals that defy categorization. In other words, these are the albino elephants, the unicorns… SASQUATCH. Intelligent and attractive women that have no desire to play games, that are interested in topics which range beyond ‘occupation’, ‘station’ and ‘verbal masturbation’. Unfortunately one can go an entire lifetime without ever encountering one of them, as they are truly elusive creatures. They’re the kind of woman you could spend an entire weekend with, rain tat-a-tattatting on the rooftop as you listen to the White Album, sipping whiskey. Personally, I think it’s all a myth like the tooth fairy, but every once in a while a message gets sent back from a friend of a friend of a friend, confirming the existence of these wondrous beasts.

My advice is jump into the second pool, where most of us reside and pick a good one! A bargain is better than a myth as far as I’m concerned

About Author

I'm a writer/editor with a penchant for saddle shoes, pontification and fried pork rinds. Equal parts gadfly, cut-up, provocateur, philosopher, and silly-willy. My personal heroes include Reggie Jackson, Elvis Costello and Philip Roth.

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