A dear (male) friend of mine who is vigorously active on several dating sites suggested that I try doing the same.  I resisted at first, but folded like a card table upon hearing his undeniable and schoolyard-isn answer of “Come on! Everyone is doing it!” I agreed (The truth was, I didn’t have anything going on), whipped up a profile and let my pal hit “send”.  I was off and running.

That’s not actually true.  I was intrigued, hopeful and a little embarrassed to be using a dating site…the running came later.

I’m glad to report that my attempts to have Cupid find me a harmonious match have yielded enough data to publish my initial findings about the now normalized phenomenon of online dating.

WHAT I’VE LEARNED TO DATE:

1)   It is possible to match with, and agree to see, someone you went on a date with years ago without remembering him. Upon meeting said fellow, it is a fact that you will remember why you forgot him.  It will take you at least another five years to forget him again.

2)   The phrase “I am a God fearing man” is a deal breaker for me.  It makes the guy sound like he spends an inordinate amount of time hiding under the bed.

3)   Clicking through photos on a dating site really is catalogue shopping. Which is gross. On the other hand, if you already do a lot of online shopping, this is definitely the perfect way for you to date. You can make the most of your time by picking out towels and a guy at the same time.

4)  I shouldn’t have been surprised, but I was when I received my first dick pic. It was from a 62 year old man. I also shouldn’t have been surprised when he called me a cunt for objecting to his unsolicited self-portrait. Lesson learned: no matter how old or flaccid they are, dudes don’t dig dick rejection.

5)   I have learned that a 62 year old’s dick, when poorly shot in a dim office bathroom, looks like it could be a 42 year old’s.  I sincerely doubt that to be true in the cold light of day.  Lesson learned: Guys are breaking ground on the use of lighting tricks and/or photoshop apps.

6)   Men are much more sensitive and drama queeny before the date.  They hover in cyberspace around the lady in question for weeks before they pull the trigger.  This behavior (unappealingly) broadcasts insecurity, anxiety and fear of the unknown. Women are a mess after the date.  If they don’t get texted a message of instant adoration within 10 minutes of parting, they fly into a rage or get a little weepy.  This behavior (unappealingly) broadcasts insecurity, anxiety and fear of the unknown.

7)   Due to my unpredictable schedule I’ve had to postpone a few dates.  Without exception, those dates were then cancelled by the guy via text. The preferred message is “Your loss.” Please see #6 above if any clarification is needed.

8)   As in life, the people with the best personalities (and profiles) aren’t winning any beauty contests and the beauties, for the most part, don’t bother to fill out their profiles. Basically, no one should ever bother to fill out the profile.

9)   Most people in NYC in my age bracket who meet people online have sex with them on the first date.  This is a very practical thing to do as you never know if a business trip to Malaysia or crippling sciatica is about to take you out of the game

10) Men have more dietary restrictions and requirements than women ever have or will.  Vanity, thy name is dude.

About Author

Lawyer, literary agent, book packager, film producer, writer, New Yorker. Likes long walks on the beach and little dogs. Hates mean people and when the pharmacy runs out of Klonopin.

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