I’ve learned a few things about men over the years and have come to realize that my mother’s words of wisdom (which I heartily rejected as pathetically out date as a teen) were spot on.  She observed me suffering through one of my first and most deadly crushes and said, between drags on her Marlboro red and sips of sherry, that I shouldn’t chase boys.  More specifically, she said, “There’s no mystery, Jessica. If a boy wants to be with you, he’ll call.”

Didn’t she understand that I could make ANYTHING happen through sheer force of will?  How could my mother fail to grasp my Nietzschean will to power and all it would undoubtedly bring me?  I was dismayed at her inability to see the real me.  I was even more dismayed that a grown woman could be so wrong about the ways of the world.  Of COURSE boys would be flattered by being pursued like a gazelle on the Serengeti!

My mother turned out to be right.  I was wrong.  Boys and men were not gazelles at all.  They are pigeons.

I’ve asked boyfriends, husbands and male friends the same question over the years and they all reply with a shrug and “I don’t know.”  The question is simply, “Why don’t you want a woman to pursue you?  Why do you edge away the second a girl or woman expresses serious interest in you?”  They may not know the answer, but I do.

Men did not evolve as human women did, from amoeba to missing link to primate. They went straight from globule to pterodactyl to pigeon.  In the same way a pigeon (this goes for all pigeons, be they in London, Rome or New York) will slyly edge away if it thinks you’re coming at it, so do men.  The instinct seems to be the same: avoid being caught at all costs or you will die (poisoned, married, same thing).  If, however, you show no interest in the pigeon at all, it will inevitably fly right at you, possibly attack you and most likely shit on you.  These are facts.  Don’t bother second guessing me on that.  Ask any woman with a few years on her and she’ll say the same thing.

The moral of this brief and fowl tale is this: if you’re hopelessly in love with a man, forget about him as quickly as you can.  He’ll be yours within the week.  If you are a man and are hopelessly in love with someone, let your beloved express how s/he feels and try not to crap all over them. Your chances of holding onto your true love will skyrocket. Not hard to understand, but if all observations continue to prove correct, hopelessly difficult to do.

In the meantime, I still struggle with my inner Nietzsche and his ongoing argument with my mother’s voice in my head.  While I want Friedrich to win every time, it’s mom who comes out on top.

 

About Author

Lawyer, literary agent, book packager, film producer, writer, New Yorker. Likes long walks on the beach and little dogs. Hates mean people and when the pharmacy runs out of Klonopin.

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