I had a friend (well, we still are friends according to Facebook) who dumped me this summer because she snared a boyfriend, and I’m really bummed about it because I miss hanging out with her. It always sucks if a guy dumps me; why is it, in some weird way, worse when a girlfriend does?

Ladies, I know you know what I’m talking about.

This was a real hang tough friend, and the topic was always men.  We exchanged our horrible dating stories, complained about the quality of men in our circles, and how much we hated all the bullshit involved with our online dating experiences: the lies, unsolicited photos, jerk-off videos of random cocks, and bad sex.  We would spend hours scrolling through Tinder, making fun of the horrid profile photos.

We nearly died laughing trying to figure out why Match would think that I’d be interested in a 65-year-old retired firefighter on Staten Island. Particularly one who smoked cigars, owned 3 bulldogs, and had only one profile photo with him standing next to a young girl in a bikini.

Anyway, when I was on Facebook a few weeks ago, I saw that my sort-of-friend RSVP’d an event that I was interested in. It was the first time I’d thought about her in months.  Over the summer, she seemed to have hit the find-a-guy jackpot. She met her man through a Meet Up group, she seemed very happy, and I was happy for her (except for the disappearing part, which was about to happen).  The last time we had a glass of wine together, she was trying to help me figure out a situation I was in – I was seeing a guy, I really liked him, but whatever we had between us involved too much gray area and I was frustrated.  She told me to forget about him and get back on the dating merry-go-round, but I was not interested in doing that shit again. I hate it. Even so, she talked me into going on Tinder. I did it to humor her and played along for the last half-hour we were in the bar, and then deleted it because it was ridiculous. And that was, in hindsight, when we went from being real friends to Facebook friends.

When I saw that RSVP, I scrolled back through my messages and can clearly see we haven’t communicated since early June.  I had invited her to one of my gigs, but she never responded.  I’ve seen some of her gigs announced on Facebook via other friends, but I couldn’t make them. Sure, we were doing different things, but we were still friends, right? Why ignore me? Since I was the last person to try and make contact, I feel like she should contact me…am I wrong about that?

Of course, I’ve lost girlfriends to marriages and kids, co-dependent relationships, or moves to far-away places, but this particular disappearance really stinks. I’m sure she has time to hang out, but simply chooses not to because she has a boyfriend. That bums me out because we used to have fun. I thought we were close friends. I’ve never dumped a girlfriend whenever I was dating or had a boyfriend, I’m capable of giving both parties the attention they need.

I would have liked her counsel during the months since June.  I’ve had a few revelations and am consequently back to not seeing anyone.  Thankfully my life is full and I’m very busy doing things I really love. But I do want a boyfriend too. I’d like to hang out and exchange stories with her, even if it’s just to talk about our respective men.

I know how to handle it when a guy dumps me.  I don’t like it, but I can deal.  I’ve never gotten a handle on what to do when a girlfriend goes AWOL. Probably because losing a close friend hurts so much worse than when a guy goes rogue.  Probably because I expect more from my girlfriends than I do from men.

I think I just answered my own question.

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About Author

Crystal is today’s black Renaissance woman. She lives in Harlem, is always up for a new experience, is a magnet for all kinds of crazy, and smells like fresh flowers.

6 Comments

  1. However you lose your friends, it is a sucky experience. I always wonder about women who dump their girlfriends because they’ve acquired a partner. Who does she complain about her man to? Who does she share her day-to-day joys, frustrations, etc. with? ALL HIM?!?! That makes zero sense….everyone needs an outlet outside of their relationships. I rarely let a woman who chose her man over me back into my life. I understand marriage, moving away, different lifestyles….but if my friend hangs in with me, despite all of that, she is my ride or die. I’m not saying she has to call me daily, just nurture our relationship with the same fervor and interest as I do. I know that may wane at times but just stay connected. I have a married bestie who lives in NC and I’m in NYC, we’ve all been friends for over 20 years. I’m their eldest daughter’s godmother….we don’t talk daily and sometimes, not weekly but we never let too much time go by without checking in with each other. I follow my goddaughter’s social media accounts, so there are times when I find out what they’re doing ,as a family, via that method….but my bestie always circles back to keep me informed from her perspective. I hope that your friend realizes what’s happened when she comes out of the honeymoon phase and reaches out to you.

  2. I have always found the balance hard to achieve. Disclaimer: I had my eldest kid at 22. So, if I was single, I split time between my kidless friends (male or female) and my kid. Sometimes mixing the two. If I was dating, that was a 3-way split. Friends, partner, kid. Married? Well, that knocked most regular activity with friends down to common friendships because I was also a student at the time. I sometimes wish there was two of me, you know?

  3. Loosing a friend is worse than losing a guy for me. I’ve been on both sides of that coin — being dumped by a friend and dumping a friend) because they are toxic/narcissistic/self-absorbed), and it’s really hard either way.

  4. Aw, Crystal – I know that pain. I’ve always said there are “friends of the road” and “friends of the heart.” A friend you think is a Heart friend often turns out to have simply traveled with you down a particular stretch of road, You held hands and sang together and cried together while walking that stretch, so it really hurts when you discover that somewhere, somehow, your friend took a turn and went a different route. But she wasn’t your Heart friend, Crystal. Heart friends start out as Road friends but stick with you, even if your roads separate. Now, I’ve also found that there are friends who you may think of as Road friends, and years later you realize that hey, we still are on this road together. Maybe you don’t always walk closely together, but there they are, year after year, on the same Road as you. (You’re probably really good FB friends, too!) Could they be a Heart friend after all? Maybe you have a couple really good Road friends that are actually Heart friends! I know, it still hurts that your homegirl went down a different road, but if she’s a friend of the Heart, she will always be there. Treasure your memory of her, and call up a current Road friend for a get together!

  5. I agree that it is worse to loose a girlfriend/ home girl than a boyfriend. However, I’m also someone who considers friends “friends” regardless of how long it’s been since we’ve seen each other or been in communication. I think it could just be a case of shifting priorities on her part and maybe calling her on that would clear things up. It’s not cool that she didn’t respond to you about your show, but possibly also not an intentional brush off. So yeah, I would reach out again if I were you. If she doesn’t respond this time, or if you have already tried to get in touch before or since your show, I’d be angry or hurt and probably stop trying as well. But if it could be chalked up to the temporary insanity of finding a new man and she responds to you reaching out now, maybe give her another chance. Best of luck to you in both love and friendship!

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