Last night at the Friars’ Club, The Z Review hosted its first ever celebrity roast!
We chose jolly, beloved, disgraced executive Harvey Weinstein as our first subject to sit in the hot seat, to tolerate some good-natured ribbing at his expense!
The stars were out in force, as they came to pay their respects to the man to whom many owed their careers. The jokes came fast and furious, and many of them were quite cheeky! But we only roast the ones we love, and when your subject has contributed so much to the culture – both popular and corporate – there’s a lot of love to give.
Without further ado, The Z Review presents selected highlights from the wacky, zany and hijinx-festooned ROAST OF HARVEY WEINSTEIN!!!!!!
Ben Affleck, Roast Master: Good evening ladies and germs! I know that Harvey is accused of doing some horrible things, what with the raping of starlets and cornering and mashing, but I’m here to say that he’s a stand-up guy and I owe him my career.
He also taught me how to do a side boob reacharound on “Total Request Live” without it being detected by cameras, and in such a way that it conveyed just enough menace to silence my victim, while not laying it on so thick that she was too terrified to smile for the cameras! Ha ha ha!
Anyway, without further ado, let’s bring up our first roaster! He was my costar in “Good Will Hunting,” which we originally filmed under the working title, “Women Are All Dirty Sluts Whose Vaginas Are Actually Lie Holes”! Won’t you welcome Matt Damon!
Matt Damon: Thank you Ben! Sorry about your brother with the allegations! Good luck with that!
Boy, wasn’t Obama a shitty, not liberal enough president, who totally had no balls? You know who does have balls? Harvey Weinstein! I know because I suppressed media reports about him teabagging weeping actresses who are new to Hollywood in exchange for roles in independent films! Russell Crowe, you can back me up on that, right?
(Crowe pauses from drunkenly terrorizing an underling to wave)
Thanks Russell, sorry you’re all washed up and nobody goes to see your movies anymore!
Lauren Sivan: When Harvey cornered me and forced me to watch him masturbate, I feared for my own safety and was also worried about both physical and professional reprisals that he would level against me just to show me who was boss!
Thank god he was so aroused by the sensation of menacing someone much smaller than him that he ejaculated really quickly onto a plant! And what an arc of jism it was! It looked like the fountains in front of the Bellagio in Las Vegas, where I don’t know about any specific allegations against him taking place, but we can probably guess!
Asia Argento: When Harvey forced me to endure the ordeal of having his tongue in my vagina against my express verbal consent, I wished that the universe would consume me and swallow me whole, as I felt that death was preferable to living with the memory of this horrible man physically restraining me with both his sheer heft and the influence that he wielded in show business! There’s no joke here, that’s just what actually happened!
Gwyneth Paltrow: I’ll never forget my first role in Hollywood, in the movie “Emma”! I was only 22 years old and Harvey started trying to give me a sensual massage! I cried hysterically and begged him not to touch me, although it was my first break and I feared for the long-term viability of my career if I refused his advances!
Luckily, I went home and told my then-boyfriend Brad Pitt about it, and according to the New York Times, he confronted Harvey about it, who then threatened me for informing on him and made me afraid I would never even get a job at In & Out Burger after that!
Luckily I survived the encounter and I today I am a successful entrepreneur! Buy my GOOP products, which I named that after the cheese in Harvey’s sweaty folds of fat!
EDITOR’S NOTE: This is satire.