Ever since the revolting allegations about a certain slovenly movie industry Yeti came to light in the last week, an interesting phenomenon has taken place on social media. Men seem to think that now is the opportune time to tell their women friends how to handle themselves in the workplace.
They should stay off of the casting couch as a matter of principle. They should wear less slutty clothes if they don’t want to be mashed. When challenged, these men also think it’s a good idea to dig in their heels and repeat their points, relentlessly.
I’m not going to get into debating these points, because life is too short and no one who believes those things is willing to hear counter-arguments. What I will do is offer some helpful hints for my fellow men, as to how to conduct themselves on social media at this time.
My hope is that, as a fellow bro, men will be more receptive to my advice than they would be if it came from a woman. So men, sit down, manspread, adjust your Dave Matthews Band cap and cup your balls with your hand while I lay some truth on you.
Let’s say a woman in the public eye comes forward with allegations that a certain mega-powerful studio executive got grabby with her and told her to shut up if she wanted to ever work in this town again. Let’s say that said executive had a part in the funding of certain beloved independent films.
Let’s say that said executive was backed up by certain actors who, despite their overbearing dudebro personas, had demonstrated their lefty bona fides by appearing on Bill Maher or saying Barack Obama wasn’t liberal enough. Certainly, the executive must not be as bad as he’s being made out to be.
Let’s assume further that said liberal bros then become the subject of allegations which significantly undermine said bona fides. Let’s go further still and assume that one of the bros was even caught on video, behaving in a less-than-enlightened way.
What should you, the well-intentioned man, do in this scenario? You just want to hear all sides of the story. You don’t want to rush to judgment. I mean, isn’t everyone in this country innocent until proven guilty?
What, indeed, should you do? Here’s my advice, from one dude to another.
You should keep your mouth shut. You should say absolutely nothing.
If you absolutely can’t resist, and you have an academic point that just must be made, don’t make it. If that’s too painful, and resisting the urge to weigh in makes you queasy, deactivate your social media account and get off the computer so that you’re physically unable to respond. Maintain this posture for a week.
In the event that more allegations arise about the various parties involved, then reset your countdown clock to go off a week from that moment. Repeat if necessary.
But bro, you’re thinking to yourself, don’t I have a right to my opinion?
Yes, you do. You have a Constitutional right to your opinion, which you may freely express without fear of being jailed by the government. Even the conservative Supreme Court Justice occupying Merrick Garland’s stolen seat would agree with that.
But that’s as far as it goes. The government won’t jail you for it, but the average person can still get very mad at you, call you an asshole and tell you to go fuck yourself. That’s not censorship, and there’s nothing you can do about it, no matter how much you cry.
If you open your face-hole to “not all men” about this stuff, no one will appreciate it, and you will lose friends. Your fellow bros will not back you up, at least not publicly if they’re smart.
You will be forced to withstand a torrent of rage all by your lonesome. You deserve it too, for your questionable decision put on your Greek philosopher hat and Edgelord beard while women are coming forward about being sexually assaulted.
So sit down and shut up, and be glad you did. Maybe there’s a game on.