Elon Musk announced Friday that in the next ten years, he will be terraforming mars, making it “a nice place to be”. He also says that he will soon be revolutionizing the transportation industry by making it possible for everyone on earth to travel by rocket ship for the cost of an economy plane ticket. No destination will take longer than an hour to reach. All I can say is…is this guy full of shit or what?

Seriously, enough with fucking Elon Musk. The guy starts a car company and all of a sudden he thinks he’s the saviour of humanity? Earth to Musk…Earth to musk…just because you’re a billionaire does not mean you’re the monolith from 2001: A Space Odyssey. I hate to be a spoiler, but not only are we not going to start the process of terraforming Mars in ten years – we are never setting foot there. We’ll be long gone before that happens. They don’t even know how to safely get humans past the Van Allen radiation belt yet.

As for rocket travel, that ain’t happening either. Even if that technology was available – no one’s going to get their ass on a fucking rocket to go visit Aunt Edna in Butte. Genius idea, Musk, to make air travel even more terrifying and infinitely more dangerous than it already is. Good on you.

I hate Elon Musk. I hate his arrogance, I hate his stupid concepts and I hate his moon face.

This is a guy that believes we’re all living in a simulation. Why does he believe this? Fucked if I know… something about video game technology getting better?

“The strongest argument for us being in a simulation is the following: 40 years ago, we had Pong. Two rectangles and a dot. Now, 40 years later, we have photorealistic 3D with millions playing simultaneously. If you assume any rate of improvement at all, then the games will become indistinguishable from reality, even if that rate of advancement drops by 1000 from what it is now. It’s a given that we’re clearly on a trajectory that we’re going to have games that are indistinguishable from reality. It would seem to follow that the odds that we’re in base reality is 1 in millions.”

Of course, Musk makes sure to say all of these projects of his are ‘aspirational’. Yeah, you think? I want to build a time machine to take me to the year 1969, so I can drop acid and rut in the mud with a gaggle of hirsute hippie chicks while Jimi Hendrix plays in the background…you think you could make that happen for me Musk?

Musk – even his name is annoying. He looks like he wears it too…probably slops on the Stetson every morning, admiring his moon face in the mirror while getting a toothy hummer from Amber Heard.

You want to do something for humanity, Elon? Make a cheap electric car, like really cheap. How ‘bout that big guy? Make transportation available for everyone. You know, something that’s actually possible? Stop the fame whoring, already. Every other second, announcing some absurd project that will never come to pass – you’re an untenable tool. Take your simulations, aspirations, and fabrications, stick them in one of your rockets and sit on it.

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I'm a writer/editor with a penchant for saddle shoes, pontification and fried pork rinds. Equal parts gadfly, cut-up, provocateur, philosopher, and silly-willy. My personal heroes include Reggie Jackson, Elvis Costello and Philip Roth.


  1. Thanks for writing what I was thinking :). I don’t like to be a hater to anyone’s dreams, but I am 100% with you on that last paragraph. This dude has so much money and power. Why can’t he create something that would actually make the world a better place? Stop pretending your projects are useful and won’t destroy the environment. Life on Mars? Instead of trying to run away to another planet, let’s fix life on earth, idiot.

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