I am a pudgy dude. Not Ralphie May pudgy, mind you, but I could certainly do to hit the treadmill occasionally and discover the wonders of kale juicing.

For this reason, many people assume that my attitude towards food is one of indiscriminate shoveling. Whatever it is, people assume, he must eat it. And he must also start eating off of other people’s plates when he’s finished what’s on his.

This is wrong. I’m actually really weird about food and almost OCD about it. If I have a plate of food with different items on it, I don’t want the items touching each other. I want to see some canals of empty, unobstructed plate looking back at me from between food one and food two. Suez Canal that shit, or there will be problems.

I’m also just grossed out by stuff that you people tend to classify as food. Yes, a lot of you motherfuckers shovel stuff into your face holes that’s downright disgusting, and am here today to tell you that you are wrong, these foods are shitty, and you should stop eating them.

In no particular order, here is my list of the most overrated foods that have been thrust in front of my face.

Mayonnaise

Why the fuck does everybody drown their food in this? What’s the rationale? This sandwich is great, but what it really needs is some kind of fetid goop? Jared Fogle, the molester guy from Subway, always looked to me like the type of guy who loves this stuff. So, don’t eat mayonnaise. It’s for child predators.

Cheese

I’m not against cheese in its proper context, like on a slice of pizza. But people generally get all excited at the prospect of cheese on its own, and they’ll just stand there at the buffet table with a toothpick and inhale it. Also, what are you supposed to do with the wax? Do you eat the wax?

Mushrooms

Mushrooms taste to me like cleaning supplies, and I am flabbergasted that anyone wants this aggressively bland fungus coming anywhere near their taste buds. People love it, too. They make all kinds of orgasm noises when they talk about it. How can so many people be so wrong to the detriment of so many?

Olives

This one goes out to the women. They love olives, and they make the same porn ecstasy sounds when they eat it that they make when they eat mushrooms. The difference though, is that porn stars are faking it. People eating mushrooms mean it, and hunger for it the way some new-in-town starlet hungers for a hot shower after a bukkake scene.

Marzipan

Europeans love this stuff. It’s some kind of almond-derived substance that they have mistakenly believed that, like chocolate, little Reinhardt wants all over his dessert. Here’s a tip: he doesn’t. Nobody likes it, which you can tell when someone bites into it and their face turns into a strained rictus of disappointment. You’re better off handing out Ho-Ho’s at your fancy dinner party than inflicting it on people you hope to retain as friends.

Grits

When I was an active musician, my band toured the south a couple of times. The instant we got south of the Mason-Dixon line, everyone started talking about grits. They wanted grits. They wanted grits now. Grits, grits, grits. They seemed unaware that grits are just Cream of Wheat, which you can get in Long Island City.

Parmesan Cheese

I already addressed cheese generally earlier on this list, but Parmesan cheese deserves its own entry. Parmesan cheese is absolutely disgusting. FACT. It smells like feet and vomit, and if someone next to me is eating it, I need to sit somewhere else, not just where I can’t smell it, but where I can’t see it.

Tuna Fish

Another one for the “If You Eat This, We Can’t Be Friends” file is tuna fish. Everybody loves it, and people’s kitchen cupboards are full to bursting with an endless stockpile of it, as if when the nuclear war comes, they’re going to just sit in a corner with a can and a spoon and subsist on it until they succumb to radiation sickness.

Tea

I don’t get why anyone would drink tea when coffee already exists. Delicious, bitter, tremor-inducing coffee. I’m always confused by people who stop drinking coffee and transition to tea instead, because the only thing they have in common is that they’re both hot. And don’t get me started on that Celestial Seasonings chamomile shit. If you buy that stuff, you have been suckered.

Pomegranate

I actually like the taste of pomegranate seeds. My argument is not with the taste, but with the labor-intensiveness. I mean, they taste nice and all, but am I seriously supposed to sit here and pick each seed out one by one, over the course of 45 minutes, to get about 10 minutes of snacking?

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About Author

Daniel Bukszpan is a freelance writer with over 20 years’ experience. He has written for such publications as Fortune, CNBC and The Daily Beast. He is the author of “The Encyclopedia of Heavy Metal,” published in 2003 by Barnes and Noble and “The Encyclopedia of New Wave,” published in 2012 by Sterling Publishing.

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