Yesterday, a total solar eclipse darkened the skies, as the moon passed in front of the sun for the first time in decades. Well in advance of the event, people the world over were warned by the scientific community not to look directly at it, for fear of incurring permanent damage to their eyes.
Only one man had the balls to say, “fuck you, the sun,” and stare down that eclipse like the pussy that it is. That man was President Donald J. Trump.
For those who missed it, The Donald went out on the Truman Balcony of the White House and looked up at the eclipse with no eye protection of any kind. The fact that you’re not supposed to do that has been instilled in every human being who ever took a third grade science class, or even just overheard random people talking on a subway platform. Every human being, that is, except for the leader of the free world, who thinks the sun is stupid and who has the best eyes.
Both First Lady Melania Trump and Attorney General Jeff Sessions were photographed looking at the eclipse with eye protection. Whatever else you may think of them – that Melania is an android or Sessions is a Klansman with magical elf powers – they know well enough not to look directly at an eclipse.
Well, President Trump won’t be cowed by little things like repeated warnings or the threat of permanent, irreversible retinal damage. He won’t let the sun push him around and tell him what to do with his eyes. He’ll stare it down, just like he did his 16 GOP primary opponents and Crooked Hillary.
At press time, there have been no reports of President Trump sustaining any damage or losing any vision, so we’ll bring you up-to-the-minute news of that fascinating eventuality as it develops. In the meantime, we’re pleased to report that The Z Review’s interns rifled through the dumpster outside of the White House and found the President’s handwritten notes, in which he organized his thoughts about how we as a nation would deal with our longtime foe, the sun.
We present these comments here in all their unexpurgated glory.
“The moon is very stupid! It keeps going in the same direction over and over again, the same way my good friend Julian Assange keeps living in the closet of that place! The only reason he’s hiding in the closet is because Fake News says he may have raped someone! Very sad!”
“Someone has to get tough with the sun! It keeps coming back every day and on hot days it makes women sweaty! I don’t like looking at sweaty women! Slovenia has no sweaty women at all, because it doesn’t get very hot there, even though they have a sun there too!”
“When the moon passes in front of the sun, it will block it and the skies will go dark! Many people blame the moon for this, but there are fine people on both sides! The divisions between the moon and the sun must heel! I love Mexicans!”
“I’m going to go look right at the sun and yell at it! It’s a fat yellow loser like Rosie O’Donell, who isn’t yellow but you know what I mean! Maybe like the Teletubbies baby! I understand the Teletubbies baby is now an adult, because the show’s been on the air a long time!”