When seeking a partner, I’ve never really adhered to a strict set of rules. Usually it’s been pretty arbitrary. Sadly, I’ve always approached my love life with about as much thought as a fisherman casting out a net. Still, I do have a few minor issues or ‘deal breakers’ when it comes to picking women – just a few automatic disqualifiers. Stuff, I know I couldn’t bear for any length of time.

  1. No republicans
  2. Anyone who pronounces nuclear – nucular.
  3. Anyone who’s ever purchased an Ace of Base CD– even to be ironic.
  4. Someone who can’t tell the difference between ‘speaking their mind’ and being an insensitive dipsydoodle.
  5. Anyone who pronounces ask –aks
  6. Anyone who frequents a bar just so they can play Buck Hunter.
  7. Anyone whose circle of friends solely consists of bartenders, burlesque dancers, spoken word poets, budding directors, or pot dealers.
  8. Anyone who describes a friend by saying ‘she/he’s my heart!’
  9. Any American whose favorite sport is soccer.
  10. Anyone who puts ketchup on a hot dog.
  11. Spider-web neck tattoos.
  12. Anyone with a male best-friend who comes from any of the following areas: Buenos Aires, Austin, New Orleans, Portland, or Barcelona.
  13. Anyone who hates animals.
  14. Anyone who got laid on prom night.
  15. Anyone who dated the High School quarterback.
  16. Anyone who ‘doesn’t get’ Peanuts.
  17. Anyone who hates Bob Dylan because he “can’t sing”.
  18. Vegans.
  19. Anyone with an incurable STD, past intravenous drug use, or a lazy eye.
  20. Anyone who ever called french fries –‘freedom fries’
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About Author

I'm a writer/editor with a penchant for saddle shoes, pontification and fried pork rinds. Equal parts gadfly, cut-up, provocateur, philosopher, and silly-willy. My personal heroes include Reggie Jackson, Elvis Costello and Philip Roth.

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