The people of the United States appear to be hell-bent on making everything as absurd as possible before the asteroid comes along and puts us all out of our misery. It wasn’t enough just to elect Trump. No, now we have crying Nazis to deal with.

A bit of background may be in order. Christopher Cantwell, a Nazi media personality (sorry, I will never use the term “alt-right”), found out there was a warrant for his arrest after this past weekend in Charlottesville, and he took to YouTube to cry about it.

As an emotionally unstable person, I see nothing wrong with weeping openly if the circumstances call for it. However, this crying Nazi bullshit is just a bridge too far for me.

I was raised Jewish, and spent most of my childhood regaled with tales of Nazi horror. A large portion of my family comes from Poland, and a lot of them were killed there. A search for my last name in the Yad Vashem Shoah Victims Database turns up numerous Bukszpans in the city of Lodz, most listed as “presumably murdered.”

The way I heard it, they weren’t just murdered. They were turned into lampshades, soap and pillow stuffing. They were personally sent to the ovens by Josef Mengele, the Angel of Death himself. The Nazis were characterized to me as some pretty sadistic motherfuckers, and accurately at that.

Where my family left off, Hollywood took over. I saw countless movies in which the Nazis were ruthless murderers, killing infants for fun and subjecting Sophie to a Choice. The Nazis were the be-all-end-all bad guys for every occasion, and only by melting them with the Ark of the Covenant could decent people be saved from their depravity.

If this is the history that someone like Cantwell has latched onto, he’s can’t seriously go on camera and start blubbering. Real Nazis wore leather trench coats and monocles and carried riding crops around with them to lend emphasis to their threats. Zey spoke mit very terse, clipped words zat zey yell at ze end!

If you want to be a Nazi, you’d better go watch “The Boys from Brazil,” “Marathon Man” or “Schindler’s List” and bone the fuck up. At this rate, you’re not even diabolical enough to qualify for Colonel Klink status. The Nazis would have used you, not to occupy high office or determine the future of the Aryan volk, but to clean outhouses for the glory of the Reich.

If white supremacists and Nazis are seriously going to overrun the United States – and good luck to them in even overrunning Baltimore – then they need to raise their game. They need to dress better, speak German and impress upon others that their blood runs icy cold in their veins. Otherwise, they’re just regular, run-of-the-mill racist yahoos who don’t even deserve to use the “Nazi” name.

Really, they’re more of a Nazi tribute band, best suited to re-enacting war atrocities onstage during nostalgia cruises for Trump supporters. Otherwise, they really and truly serve no purpose whatsoever, and do nothing to elevate the Aryan race. Even Jews are of more use to the Nazis than these people, by producing the ACLU lawyers who will no doubt represent them in court in the future.

So Nazis, raise your game or don’t bother showing up. So far, we’re not impressed.

About Author

Daniel Bukszpan is a freelance writer with over 20 years' experience. He has written for such publications as Fortune, CNBC and The Daily Beast. He is the author of “The Encyclopedia of Heavy Metal,” published in 2003 by Barnes and Noble and “The Encyclopedia of New Wave,” published in 2012 by Sterling Publishing.

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