President Donald J. Trump has taken time out of his busy schedule to denounce the racist violence that took place in Charlottesville on Saturday!

“Racism is evil — and those who cause violence in its name are criminals and thugs, including KKK, neo-Nazis, white supremacists, and other hate groups are repugnant to everything we hold dear as Americans,” the leader of the free world said at a press conference. “Those who spread violence in the name of bigotry strike at the very core of America,”

Certain cynics have suggested that these words were actually penned for the president by Ivanka, Melania or some other stabilizing influence in the president’s circle not only put him up to this, but gave him the actual remarks, in order to stave off criticism of his initial response to Saturday’s tragedy. While we at The Z Review loathe the president to such a degree that steam geysers shoot out of our ears whenever someone so much as mentions his name, we take exception to this. We believe that he wrote every word.

How can we be sure of this? Well, we recently broke into his golf cabana in New Jersey to steal his garbage, in order to gain some insight into what makes this fascinating man tick. We were surprised to find many crumpled pieces of paper, all with a hastily-scrawled paragraph, describing things that are bad, including Klansmen.

His statement on white supremacist violence is the only thing that made the cut, as the press conference makes clear. Having said that, we thought it would be a real treat for our readers to see what the 45th President of the United States had to say about other things that are also bad, and that he may even address in a press conference in the not-so-distant future. God willing.

Fire

“Fire is very hot! If fire doesn’t cool down and stop burning people and things, we may need to attack it with nuclear weapons! Nothing is off the table!”

Infant mortality

“Babies are very loud and Melania tells me you have to change their diapers many, many times a day! Babies are losers and very fat! But death is bad, for babies!”

Breast cancer

“Stupid breast cancer makes beautiful women with large busts flat-chested and ugly, like those who voted for Crooked Hillary, probably! I won the biggest electoral college landslide of all time!”

Hepatitis C

“Hepatitis has many letters, including B and now C! Hepatitis will get more letters and will accomplish more and more! There is violence coming from it on all sides!”

The Emoji Movie

“Barron told me that this movie has poop emojis that talk! Poop emojis are doing too much winning! Mexico is laughing at us!”

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About Author

Daniel Bukszpan is a freelance writer with over 20 years’ experience. He has written for such publications as Fortune, CNBC and The Daily Beast. He is the author of “The Encyclopedia of Heavy Metal,” published in 2003 by Barnes and Noble and “The Encyclopedia of New Wave,” published in 2012 by Sterling Publishing.

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