Aren’t you tired of being worried? I am. I’m sick to death of carrying my anxiety around like a European tourist with an overstuffed rucksack. I’ve already reached the point that Howard Beale did in “Network” and have thrown my window open to Lexington Avenue, declaring “I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore! And if I’m anxious for another day I’m going to give myself a stroke!” No one on Lexington Avenue even bothered looking up at the raving woman wrapped in a bathrobe, shaking her fist at the world. That’s New York for you. As for the stroke, I did what I always do when faced with a major problem. I made a list. This is a list of things I can do to chill the fuck out. There’s got to be something on this list that will give you a moment of peace too.
- Stop dieting. If that Oreo is going to bring you even two minutes of joy, go for it. That’s two more minutes than you have now.
- Defriend anyone who posts annoying crap on Facebook. That includes political doomsday predictions as well as videos of their circus-freak kids on the backyard trampoline.
- Send a friend request to anyone who posts videos of their kids falling off the backyard trampoline.
- Smoke weed. It’s legal, mostly. Get the hell over yourself and spark up like Cheech and Chong are in your driveway waiting for you to get your shit together for a day of smoky hijinks.
- Drink alcohol. Your usual two or three glasses of Chardonnay aren’t going to do it. Switch to peach schnapps and crème de menthe. Party like you’re a college freshman, which includes blacking out. Stay blacked out as long as you can.
- Get a puppy. Do not let go of it. Let its legs atrophy from lack of use because you never stop hugging it.
- Don’t read the news. Don’t read the news online and don’t read it in print. There is nothing good that can come of it and there is nothing you can do at this precise moment to effect change. Just. Don’t. Read. It.
- Get on ebay and find every old copy of Mad Magazine available. Buy all of them. Spend every spare moment reading them, then spend more time doing the back-cover fold-ins. This will remind you what it was like to be a kid and not worry about being vaporized. It will also make you laugh way more than you’re laughing right now.
- Don’t forget to breathe. It helps if you can get your hands on an oxygen tank and/or a canister of nitrous oxide.
- Go against your nature and download a shit ton of Enya. Play on a loop until you slip into a well-deserved coma
Enjoy your new trouble-free lifestyle! I already am.