I had an encounter with a wildly inappropriate client yesterday. It wasn’t what one would call “respectful.” It was what someone might call “actionable.”
After a few hours of fuming, I was flooded with memories of other workplace indignities. Seems that my asshat client was a sort of Proustian madeleine for me.
If you’ve had a bad day at work, hate your job, or are just feeling extraordinarily misanthropic, here are a few lines that will haunt me forever. Remember, you are never alone.
1) (pointing to chocolate cake smashed on the floor near my desk) “Oh, did your colostomy bag break?”
2) (upon entering my workspace that also houses my dog) “He’s old, right? You know he’s going to die really soon.”
3) (overheard by me, about me, while employer was on a call) “Don’t listen to her. She’s a total incompetent. It’s amazing she can do what she does.”
4) (from older male client) “I can’t stop looking at your boobies. I want to lick your nipples.”
5) (said by female attorney) “Why are you so stupid?” Then she hit me on the head with a stapler. (not making this up)
6) (head of my department who resented my promotion) “If you want to be respected, you shouldn’t be sleeping with officers of the company. (I wasn’t)
7) (same person as #6) “You know nobody likes you, right?”
8) (ghostwriting client) “I would never say that! You’re lying. You didn’t do the work and now you’re making shit up. I’m taking you to court!” (He did, and lost when I produced an audio recording.)
9) (boss who had a nervous breakdown, then returned to work) “Thanks for running things while I was out. I do appreciate it. But now it’s time to give me back my fucking job.”
10) (said in a casino in Atlantic City near a cluster of one-armed bandits called “Cleopatra’s Garden of Slots”) “This is the perfect place for you!”
Enjoy the rest of your week!