Not since the Cuban missile crisis has the United States faced an existential threat as grave as the one we’re facing with North Korea. It’s been coming for a while. Those pesky fuckers have been hanging over our heads like the sword of Damocles for years now. Like busy ants they’ve been hard at work to become a nuclear power and it seems they’ve finally reached their goal. Our historical strategy towards North Korea has been one of non-engagement and sanctions. It hasn’t worked. So what options are we left with? With Trump as our president, we now have to deal with an added element of unpredictability. And god only knows how the whole Russia investigation is affecting his already questionable judgement. I mean, with a guy as solipsistic as Donald, the idea that he could just blow it all up to save himself from impeachment or even criminal prosecution is not all that far fetched.

So how should the United States handle North Korea?

Well, we could give diplomacy a shot. From what we can glean from Kim Jong Un’s unhinged blather, he really seems to think we’re getting ready to vaporize his ass. Up until now, they’ve had no legitimate deterrent to back up their trash talk – now they do. If we entered into direct talks with the diminutive dictator, perhaps we could impress upon him that his survival is entirely up to him. Does he really want to get into a tussle with a nation that could turn his country into a parking lot at the drop of a hat? Ultimately, if we’re going to take the diplomatic approach, there’s got to be something in it for them  — we need to make some concessions. That’s how diplomacy works…there has to be some carrot to go along with the stick. Perhaps, if we offered him a place at the dinner table, acknowledged them as a genuine player on the global stage then they would back off on the threats and concede to nuclear inspections. It’s something we’ve yet to try, whether it will work is anyone’s guess.

Aside from diplomacy, we could always pull the trigger and send them all to kingdom come.

For the first time, we are laying down some scary ultimatums. Tuesday, the President spoke of raining down ‘fire and fury like the world has never seen,’ and Wednesday, U.S. Defense Secretary James Mattis issued a warning to the DPKR that they need to “cease any consideration of actions that would lead to the end of its regime and destruction of its people.” Pretty tough stuff, but what will be the end result to all this rhetoric? Is a military option seriously where we’re at? We’d have to evacuate tens of thousands of people from South Korea to even begin thinking about it. It would be a move that would destabilize the globe not just on an economic level but a psychological one as well. This would not be Hiroshima or Nagasaki  — this could very well might be the end of the world as we know it.

Do you feel fine? Me neither.

So, what else could we do to address this mega shit-bagel? Maybe send in Dennis Rodman on a mission of peace! Arm him with a camera crew and turn it into the ultimate reality show. At least it’s something Trump knows how to do. Call it something catchy like – “Survivor: Armageddon” or maybe “The Last Apprentice: Fire and Fury.” I’m not trying to be facetious here, it’s a legitimate way to go. Better than unleashing a holocaust that will kill millions, anyway.

There is one more thing we can do that I think will certainly help not just in how we address the North Korean crisis but also to restore some measure of credibility back to the United Sates – impeach Trump. If congress got together on a bi-partisan basis to remove him from office, it would eradicate the wildcard from the equation. The reality is, he’s the biggest risk to our safety. If we all united, the right and left, to excise this cancerous tumor from our democracy, we would show the world that we’re not a joke…that we can admit our mistakes and rebound stronger than ever.

This past couple of years with Trump has been a ludicrous state of affairs for America – and now it’s all coming to a head. This North Korea deal is just the cherry atop the diarrhea sundae. We’ve got a couple of nutbars with their fingers on the big red button. Two micro-peened narcissistic buffoons ready to sacrifice humanity for no good reason at all. We’ve been at this precipice before with Russia, stared into that same abyss. But North Korea ain’t Russia, and Donald Trump certainly ain’t John F. Kennedy. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but for the time being…smoke ‘em if you got ‘em, keep calm and carry on…and let’s pray calmer heads prevail.

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I’m a writer/editor with a penchant for saddle shoes, pontification and fried pork rinds. Equal parts gadfly, cut-up, provocateur, philosopher, and silly-willy. My personal heroes include Reggie Jackson, Elvis Costello and Philip Roth.

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