Have you heard of Rule 34? If not, Urban Dictionary, the sole internet resource worth trusting, defines it thusly:
“If it exists, there is porn of it.”
There was a time in my life when I may have been critical of this statement, and perhaps sought to disprove it. But after years of costly and intensive research, I am ready to say that yes, this is pretty much true, provided that you accept as “porn” stuff that doesn’t actually have any sex in it and that makes you ask the question, “Who the hell watches this shit?”
For example, there is porn consisting wholly of Mexican women stepping on live earthworms in their bare feet. There is porn that consists of women in gigantic boots, stomping on and destroying pieces of wooden furniture. There is porn made entirely of women kicking men in the balls. No sex, no nudity, just the highly specific acts described herein.
Still, it’s impossible to believe that there aren’t some things that have somehow managed to escape the clutches of Rule 34. So just to be on the safe side, The Z Review presents a brief list of things that we worry the nation’s pornographers haven’t gotten around to yet.
Remember those early teenage years, when you and your girlfriend would remain fully clothed and rub up against each other furiously until she told you she was bored? Then you would go home to find that your penis had been chafed raw from 45 minutes of unfulfilling rubbing that you hoped against hope might convince her to let you feel a boob for 30 seconds? Well, we can find no evidence that this phenomenon ever became the subject matter for pornographic films. So pornographers, get your shit together and make this happen.
Call him Gavin, call him Captain Stubing, but whatever you do, don’t call him late for the lemon party! The former captain of the Pacific Princess was instrumental in every love match orchestrated between Los Angeles and Puerto Vallarta, provided that they were never interracial. But what about his needs? Now 86 years young, he’s exactly the right demographic for engaging in orgies consisting entirely of elderly men. We think this is the best way for him to live out his golden years, before he sails off into the sunset to meet the choir invisible.
Porn is a genre that lives or dies by bodily fluids, yet there’s one fluid has thus far managed to evade the erotic eye of contemporary pornographers – snot. Sure, there’s porn where the man spits in the woman’s asshole and maybe there’s some accidental transfer of the green stuff there, but can we really be sure of that? The best way to make sure is to hire the talent only during cold and flu season and start shooting the minute they walk indoors from the harsh elements. It might be necessary to move the porn shoots from Los Angeles to Stowe, Vermont to make this happen, but we have to be sure.
Remember 2012, when former Senator Rick Santorum was a presidential candidate? Indeed, who among us can forget how beloved he was by the evangelical Christian base, so much so that he became known for his sweater vests as much as for his extreme right wing views. Sadly, his dreams of occupying the Oval Office didn’t materialize, and now all of his many supporters are stuck with sweater vests that they bought to support his candidacy. Now these articles of clothing can be given life anew by creating a porn genre in which the performers are all nude, except for grey, woolen sweater vests. Maybe a few of them can spread scat on each other, just to widen the audience a bit.
Everyone loves Barbra Streisand’s 1983 musical film “Yentl.” Adapted from the beloved Isaac Bashevis Singer short story “Yentl the Yeshiva Boy,” it tells the story of a hideously disfigured woman who dresses up as a man so that she may learn Talmudic law. Unfortunately, she runs into the same problem so many women have – Mandy Patinkin is there, and she must engage in sexual congress with him, immediately. In the porn version, she can keep her clothes on while Patinkin appears fully nude, thereby qualifying it as an entry in the “clothed female, naked male” (CFNM) subgenre, and also keeping secret the fact that she’s a woman, so she can continue her studies.