Initially I was going to give my impressions on Game of Thrones, season by season, but having binge-watched the shit out of it this past week (seasons two to five), I’ve decided it’s best to just blab about the experience while my thoughts are still fresh in my head.

Where do I begin? I guess I’ll take the crow’s eye view – pardon the pun. As all the various houses continue to vie for supremacy, many of the major characters have already died off along the way. Lots of slit throats, poisoning, disemboweling, beheading…it’s been a virtual smorgasbord of carnage. At first I thought the Starks were going to be the major players…then Stannis Baratheon…but after five seasons, the Lannisters have still managed to hang on to the iron throne. Which, I must say is irritating as hell. I mean, jeebus mamaloocha – has there ever been a fictional character more untenable than Cersei Lannister? Even when the High Sparrow forced her to do the naked walk of shame through King’s Landing, it still wasn’t enough of a ‘fuck yeah’ moment. I mean, Theon Lovejoy gets the torture of the ages, culminating with the loss of his beloved tallywhacker and all she gets is a couple of sore feet? No justice. I suppose this is the main problem I have with GoT…it’s a world largely populated with nimrods. Maybe my tolerance level is at a low ebb, living in the era of Trump, but the show’s ‘lovable hero’ to ‘insufferable dipsydoodle’ ratio gives me an ache in my rectum. Yeah…way too many fuckfaces.

Let’s see, aside from Cersei there are/were…

King Joffrey – A smirking, inbred, psychopathic fucknut. Jeebus, was I glad when this pasty-faced cock-knocker got offed at his own wedding. If I had to see him swivel that bowling ball head around his shoulders for a second longer, I think I might have taken a shit in a flat hat.

Sansa Stark – What a mealy mouthed bore this one is. Talk about navel gazing – she’s constantly looking out for numero uno. She’s a craven, whining, lip biter who cares not a whit for anyone besides her own sorry ginger ass.

Arya Stark – Another navel gazer. Episode upon episode she prattles on about the list of people she wants to kill. Get over it already – everyone around you is dropping like flies, what do you expect? War is hell, baby…deal with it.

Catelyn Stark – This know-it-all dumbshit frees Jaimie Lannister for no apparent reason, then gets her son killed for no apparent reason… hates Jon Snow for no apparent reason…and was a main character for two seasons…for no apparent reason.

Ramsay Bolton – So far, this torturing, evil little twat has been able to escape any retribution for his crimes against humanity – and Theon Lovejoy’s shlong.

Ygritte – Sakes alive, just the way she pronounced Jon Snow, ‘Jahn Snah’ was enough to warrant her head on a spike.

Gilly – Someone should tell this actress, that you should never go ‘full retard.

Grey Worm – Does this muldoon have any other expression than sullen, diarrhea face? Even when he’s tenderly professing his love to Missandei he still looks like he’s receiving an enema from an irate 500 pound gorilla. Lighten up, Francis.

To be honest, there really aren’t any truly likable characters in GoT; they’re all just a bunch of dour, murdering jabronies. The only two that haven’t chapped my ass to the point of needing ointment are Tyrion Lannister and the eunuch Lord Varys. And speaking of eunuchs…what’s with all the cock hacking in this show? Every other second, someone’s either getting their trouser snake beheaded or being threatened with it. Enough already – leave penis alone… I mean it!

Phew…I’m glad I got all of that off my chest. Now, let’s talk about plot. Hmm…plot, plot, plot. Yeah, I don’t know. It just sort of trundles on, doesn’t it? A lot of shit happens, but it never brings us closer to any sort of conclusion. I suppose, Jon Snow and Danerys Targaryen will be among the last standing. Winter is coming, right? So, what better way to melt the ice than dragon’s breath? Maybe Jon and Danerys will ultimately get together – they’re the ones, no? The real heroes in this mish-mosh. Seems like it, anyway.

I recently read the last episodes might be aired in 2019. Talk about a long haul. Well, I’m in it now, I’m invested…if not fully enthralled. At the very least, I’ll continue watching just to see the unpleasant demise of Cersei.

It’s coming, right? Please?

8.0 Engaging

I recently read the last episodes might be aired in 2019. Talk about a long haul. Well, I’m in it now, I’m invested…if not fully enthralled. At the very least, I’ll continue watching just to see the unpleasant demise of Cersei.

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I’m a writer/editor with a penchant for saddle shoes, pontification and fried pork rinds. Equal parts gadfly, cut-up, provocateur, philosopher, and silly-willy. My personal heroes include Reggie Jackson, Elvis Costello and Philip Roth.

2 Comments

  1. If you don’t like the show or the characters – why force yourself to watch? The fans will be fine without all the belly-aching.

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