Most presidents have to either die or leave office in order for their writings to be disseminated to the American public. Luckily, The Z Review has circumvented this process and obtained what will one day be recognized as the 45th president’s greatest prose.
Yesterday, it was reported in numerous media outlets that the president called the White House a “dump.” Upon hearing this news, many people were worried that he had only this one criticism to offer of one of this nation’s great architectural landmarks, and nothing more.
Well, we’re happy to report that this is not the case. The president has scrawled his innermost ruminations about several famous American architectural structures, and after subjecting those grease-stained KFC napkins to a scientific forensic process, some of the wisdom contained thereupon has been deciphered and transcribed for you, the reader.
Without further ado, The Z Review presents President Donald J. Trump’s thoughts about the Solomon R. Guggenheim Museum in New York City, originally erected in 1959, and home to a collection of Impressionist, Post-Impressionist, early Modern and contemporary art.
“This place is stupid! Why does it have circles that you go around in? At least I can drive my golf cart around it instead taking stairs like a loser! They should give it a classy golden elevator to take you to the next floor! I mean they have a golden toilet! My neighbor, a Qatari sheik, loves elevators!”
“Frank Lloyd Wright wasn’t an architect! People just say he’s an architect because he designed Fallingwater! What kind of name is that for a house? It’s a very, very, bad name. You put “falling” in the name of your house? Makes it sound like you want water falling ON your house. FAIL! I like water that isn’t falling! He was a loser and his designs are failing very badly! Sad!”
“There are fat women in here! They look like loser Rosie O’Donnell and I’ll bet they even paid the entire suggested donation even though you can pay what you wish! I didn’t become the leader of the free world by paying the donations that crooked museums suggest! I became president because I’m smart! And there are no poorly educated people here, but also no Mexicans! You know why they’re not here? Because they’re out selling drugs on the street!”
“What is that, a circle? It looks like something in Barron’s diaper when he was a baby, not that I would know since I’m not a woman, and women should be the only ones doing that stuff, and I also like women with jiggling breasts also! Men who change babies’ diapers are probably those transgenders! I love the LGBTQ community!”
“That building was ugly and being inside of it was like being in a third world country! Crooked Hillary probably goes inside of it often so she can strengthen ISIS! This building should be destroyed and replaced with something terrific, like a place for Thomas Kinkade paintings, or those very nice pictures of dogs playing poker!”