On August 2, a local New Jersey news outlet reported that authorities in the town of Howell were on the hunt for a “white, heavyset man in his 20s or 30s.” His crime? Pleasuring himself during a showing of “The Emoji Movie.”

This film, which was released last Friday, has received bad reviews from critics and audiences alike, so the upside is that at least one person who paid to see it had an enjoyable experience. But there is a deeper, more troubling issue that we at The Z Review feel compelled to comment upon.

At The Z Review, we’re not easily shocked. We’re not puritans or fuddy-duddies. If you want to commit an act of self-love, we say DO IT, as long as you have a towel or sock nearby and nobody has to see or hear you. But if you must relieve your swollen testi-satchel, then for god’s sake, please, find some quality entertainment to stimulate that most erotic organ in the human body, your brain.

We hope that these recommendations will find you in good stead when the time comes to bust a nut. We also hope you do it at home so that the Howell, New Jersey (or any other local) police don’t get their mitts on you.

Grace and Frankie

The Netflix original series “Grace and Frankie” stars Lily Tomlin and Jane Fonda as two women over 70 whose husbands leave them to gay marry each other. In the episode “The Bachelor Party,” the abandoned wives dress up like hoochies, knock back several alcoholic beverages and dance on a bar.

During this sequence, Frankie (Lily Tomlin) is briefly seen twerking. It only lasts a couple of seconds, so pause playback at that precise moment and begin your hand party.

The Fox News “Gam Cam”

When Roger Ailes dropped dead this past May at the age of 77, most of the news coverage focused on his long history as a political player. But what got less attention was the Fox News “Gam Cam,” better known as that phenomenon where the camera pulls back so you can get a better look at the female panelists’ legs.

It seems that Ailes’ partialism (fetishizing one particular part of the body) was a major contribution to the network’s unique visual style. The best part is that it sometimes takes place during morning broadcasts, so you can ogle the legs of such right-wing scolds as Andrea Tartaros and Kimberly Guilfoyle while you’re still in bed, thereby allowing you to get in your leg-fetish jerk before work.

Jack Chick tracts

2016 was a year that saw many great celebrities pass away. David Bowie. Carrie Fisher. And of course, cartoonist and evangelical fundamentalist Christian Jack Chick, whose tiny little cartoon tracts warned us all of the evils of Halloween, homosexuality and Catholicism.

The man may be gone, but his tracts remain, and the majority of them end with sinners throwing themselves onto their knees to beg for Christ’s forgiveness. As President Donald J. Trump once said in an episode of “The Apprentice,” someone supplicating themselves in such a fashion is “a pretty sight, you on your knees.” We agree. So enjoy the latter portion of one of these tracts while you do your dirty business.

Why Me?

“Why Me?” is a 1984 made-for-TV movie depicting the true story of Air Force nurse Leola May Harmon (Glynnis O’Connor), whose face is horribly disfigured in a car accident. While that’s already enough for some pervs to start touching themselves right then and there, we haven’t even gotten to the good part.

Harmon gets her face back when a doctor grafts her vagina lips to her face! If you can hold back during that part, you have more restraint than I. When you’re all done with your self-pleasuring session, we recommend that you further peruse O’Connor’s erotic filmography.  Her oeuvre includes such fully erect titles as “The Boy in the Plastic Bubble” and “Ode to Billy Joe.”

Stoned

A 1980 ABC After School Special starring actor and Trump supporter Scott Baio, “Stoned” tells the story of a high school student who falls in with the wrong crowd and starts smoking pot. He nearly kills his brother by smashing his skull with an oar, which turns out to be just the wakeup call he needs! He puts aside his wacky tobacky and falls into the arms of a fellow student, Felicity, for whom he has always had the hots.

The credits roll after the two of them hold hands for the first time. At this point, you should shut your eyes and imagine Felicity pegging Baio with a 14-inch vein-for-vein replica Jeff Stryker model dildo, causing him to shriek in ecstasy each time it tickles his bowels. You will climax immediately. This fine cinematic offering also works if you’re a lady-type person.

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About Author

Daniel Bukszpan is a freelance writer with over 20 years' experience. He has written for such publications as Fortune, CNBC and The Daily Beast. He is the author of “The Encyclopedia of Heavy Metal,” published in 2003 by Barnes and Noble and “The Encyclopedia of New Wave,” published in 2012 by Sterling Publishing.

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