Now that O.J Simpson is a free man, he’s got to seriously start thinking about the next phase in his life.  After all, he’s paid his debt to society — what more do you want from the guy? He’s got just as much a right to follow his bliss as the rest of us. Still, something tells me, he’s not going to be fielding many movie offers or sportscasting gigs. So, what career options are out there for a 70-year-old ex-con, mass murderer? Well he’s got a few Juice-y possibilities to choose from:

  1. Porn. As long as he can still get it up, he could always make a quick buck making a fuck-tape. The industry has no morals, just like him. Just throw in a Nicole Brown Simpson lookalike – a dime a dozen in the porn world – and he’d be sitting on a gold mine. You could call it something like, Nicole, I’m gonna kill…your PUSSY! I’d buy it for a dollar.
  2. Hitman. He’s pretty much the expert at killing people without getting caught – even in the face of mountains of irrefutable evidence. Of course he may be a bit too feeble for his usual hand-to-hand combat techniques, so he should probably stick to assault weapons.
  3. Preacher in a black neighborhood. He’s proved his ability to hoodwink the black community into thinking he’s a great guy despite the fact that he nearly decapitated his wife. He could use those very same skills to con them out of their money every Sunday.
  4. Write a book. This one is a no-brainer. He’s already written one called If I did It, which didn’t exactly sell like hot cakes. However, he could always up the ante for his next tome and call it – I definitely, unequivocally, absolutely, for sure killed the shit out of those ass-eaters. Now that fucker would fly off the shelves.
  5. Work at a blood bank. We know he’s not squeamish around the stuff – he doesn’t even mind being covered in it. It comes off in the shower, no big whoop.
  6. Coach a college football team. Hey, no matter what you say about the guy, Simpson was a great ball player. And besides, if Joe Paterno did it, so could O.J.
  7. Join the cast of Keeping Up with the Kardashians. O.J. made Robert Kardashian famous and, in turn, gave Kris Kardashian her career along with the rest of her devil spawn. It’s time for Kris to return the favour. I have no doubt she’d be down for it. I’ll tell you the truth, I wouldn’t even be surprised if Kris wound up marrying O.J. – he’s the right color, it doesn’t have to last more than 72 days…and talk about ratings!
  8. Some other type of reality show. Perhaps…Real Murderers of Brentwood? Or he could always join The Return of the Apprentice: Madder than Ever when Trump finally gets impeached.
  9. Manage A Memorabilia Shop. He’s got the passion, the experience and knows how to wield a bat (and a knife) if his customers don’t want to pay up.
  10. Run For Political Office. Hey, it’s a proven fact…as long as you’ve been on TV, people will vote for you!

About Author

I'm a writer/editor with a penchant for saddle shoes, pontification and fried pork rinds. Equal parts gadfly, cut-up, provocateur, philosopher, and silly-willy. My personal heroes include Reggie Jackson, Elvis Costello and Philip Roth.


  1. Porn Title: Big Stabbin’ Dagger. “OJ Kills ’em with his massive-man-meat. He’s out of prison and no woman is safe.”

  2. #11 – Back to Prison.
    Did you see he instant rage-on when questioned about the ownership of the property in questions at the hearing. I was surprised the vote was unanimous. He clearly cannot control his anger at times and, sadly, I predict it is only a matter of time until he looses his cool in an illegal fashion again.

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