I will be writing this recurring column on Game of Thrones under protest. I am not a sci fi/fantasy guy. My cinematic/TV preferences lie elsewhere. My favorite movie of all time is Five Easy Pieces…a small, meditative film – a character study. Epic sweeping tales bore me to tears. I have never seen Lawrence of Arabia. I have never been able to get past a couple of paragraphs of Ulysses. Adults obsessed with Star Wars or Harry Potter give me a giant pain in the ass. To me, it’s all mindless escapism. I have no time for that. If I want to escape, I’ll take a nap.

All that being said, Game of Thrones is a cultural phenomenon and it is my job to comment. I am a commentator, pontificator and an opinionated bastard. So, I will start from the beginning and spew forth my thoughts. It is a daunting task. What are they like 60 episodes? Jeebus mamaloocha. I’ve got friends that say I’ll love it, that it’s full of intrigue, adventure and naked breasts. It sounds swell – especially the breasts part. But I still hate fantasy. My favorite author is Philip Roth…my favorite musical artist is Elvis Costello…favorite poet, Charles Bukowski. I prefer to confront reality head on. My legs are akimbo…ready when you are grizzly! Swing that ballpeen hammer — I’ll take it in the taint. Reality is a pain I don’t try to avoid,

So, before I dive into this, I will record what my impression is of Game of Thrones. You know, just from what I’ve picked up in the atmosphere…clips, friends, media, etc…  Then when I watch it, I can say to all of you – I told you so!

  • Everyone looks like they’re cold.
  • Everyone is white…like liquid paper white.
  • Maisie Williams looks like Isaac from Children of the Corn.

  • It reminds me of Dungeons and Dragons – I hated Dungeons and Dragons.
  • There are too many moving parts, too many characters to keep track of.
  • Peter Dinklage is probably the coolest character on the show.
  • I’m sure there’s a large and kindly oaf who is there for comic relief and to be the best friend/protector of the main protagonist.
  • I’m sure he dies at some point.
  • Maybe he’s not a kindly oaf – but a childhood friend.
  • He still dies.
  • There might be one magical negro.
  • There’ll definitely be a damsel in distress who winds up locked in a castle.
  • She’ll eventually turn into a warrior.
  • All the nudity and sex I’ve been promised will give me a giant soft-on.
  • Kit Harrington looks like a constipated lion cub.

Okay. So those are my impressions going in. Wish me luck. I’ll report back to you with my thoughts. I enter this endeavor for my fellow cranks and outsiders who are loathe to enter the fray of a popular culture. I do this for you…under protest.

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About Author

I'm a writer/editor with a penchant for saddle shoes, pontification and fried pork rinds. Equal parts gadfly, cut-up, provocateur, philosopher, and silly-willy. My personal heroes include Reggie Jackson, Elvis Costello and Philip Roth.

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