It’s official. The thirteenth person to assume the iconic role of Doctor Who was announced this past weekend, and the individual in question is Jodie Whitaker, star of “Black Mirror” and “Broadchurch.”

That’s right. The new Doctor Who is going to be played by a woman. A skirt. A broad. A dame.

Predictably, the casting choice caused an immediate uproar among the usual suspects, i.e., men. This despite the fact that the Doctor is a shape-shifting alien who can assume whatever form he or she wishes.

Despite this well-established plot point, and also despite the fact that this uproar is stupid beyond words, men took their hairy, sweaty beer guts and waddled over to their computers to fire up Twitter and register their disgust with this sorry state of affairs.

Other than saying Doctor Who has always been a man, this particular Twitter user was short on details when it comes to giving actual reasons why a woman shouldn’t be able to play the Doctor. Another gave his opinion in the ever-popular all-caps format, perhaps to show that he means business.

Again, high in emotions, low on details.

We at The Z Review appreciate that there are certain fans of “Doctor Who” who cannot accept any doctor who is unable to manifest a robust erection, We also appreciate that this particular subset of viewers may be able to accept a woman feelings doctors or vagina doctor, but not a female Time Lord. Still, we feel that these fans need to do a better job of articulating their reservations about this casting choice, and we would like to give them the tools with which to do so.

As a public service, The Z Review has created a list of the top 10 worries that this particular subset of “Doctor Who” fans can mention when they take to social media to register their testosterone-fueled disgust. We hope that these men, who are all middle-aged virgins with days-old American cheese stuck in the folds of fat underneath their man boobs, will use these arguments in their multiple-tweet screeds and Reddit subforums.

  1. The new woman doctor might menstruate all over the TARDIS’ control panel
  2. She might use the sonic screwdriver as a dildo
  3. She might accidentally anger a Dalek by bumping into it with her breasts
  4. She might be too busy sewing to watch out for Cybermen
  5. She might suffer from hot flashes, rendering her unable to fight Ogrons in comfort
  6. In a stand-off with The Master, she might suddenly start lactating
  7. She might replace the show’s theme song with some kind of Tracy Chapman bullshit
  8. Instead of traveling to mysterious new worlds, she might stay home and watch “The Lake House”
  9. If Jodie Whitaker leaves the show, they might replace her with Leslie Jones
  10. She might walk along the beach with her mother to ask if she douches
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About Author

Daniel Bukszpan is a freelance writer with over 20 years' experience. He has written for such publications as Fortune, CNBC and The Daily Beast. He is the author of “The Encyclopedia of Heavy Metal,” published in 2003 by Barnes and Noble and “The Encyclopedia of New Wave,” published in 2012 by Sterling Publishing.

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