Ever walk into a party and immediately say to yourself, “Shit. These are not my kind of people.” How about, “Shit. How did I end up here?” Or even, “Shit. These aren’t people.”

Sure, you have.  Unless you’re 8 years old, the party is for you, there’s a pony, an ice cream truck and some guy dressed up as a Transformer, you’re not going to want to stay long.  There comes a moment in life when even your best friends are tiring.  They mean well, but let’s face it.  They aren’t exactly well.

What to do?

In these jaded and mind-numbing times, it takes a lot to break up a gathering of acquaintances who have gotten into the host or hostess’ liquor cabinet. These are rough times. Begging off with, “I’ve got to drive the sitter home” isn’t going to be enough to ensure your escape without making you stand out like a sore thumb. And you won’t be able to slip out with a mass exodus of other guests who are suddenly reminded that they, too, have children at home. That is because, in these challenging, dystopian days, little Timmy doesn’t stand a chance against a bottle of decent scotch.

Again, you ask, “What to do?”

You’ll have to contribute to the decline of civilization by dropping a verbal bomb bad enough that it can clear a space around you in the course of a nanosecond. Once you’ve established that there’s a pariah in the room, the party’s over.

Only you know what your crowd simply won’t put up with, but here are a few party-ending conversations starters:

  1. “I noticed you neutered your dog. Did you keep the balls?”
  2. “Are there any sexy toddlers in this neighborhood?”
  3. “I see you’re sticking with that weight gain.”
  4. “I believe in elves!”
  5. “The other day, when I was chatting with my dead grandma…”
  6. “Sorry, excuse me, does this look like lice to you?”
  7. “I couldn’t help but notice you from across the room. Your aroma is very distinctive.”
  8. “Do any of you guys have a fresh syringe?”
  9. “If you had the onion dip, you’re gonna want to find a bathroom.”
  10. “So…… they let your people into this club now?”

Enjoy your summer of fun!

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About Author

Lawyer, literary agent, book packager, film producer, writer, New Yorker. Likes long walks on the beach and little dogs. Hates mean people and when the pharmacy runs out of Klonopin.

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