One of the many infuriating aspects of Donald J. Trump’s retort regarding his son’s, ahem, treason, is that we seem to have grown so accustomed to Daddy Don’s stupidity.  We’ve grown so immune to his dumbfounding dumbness, dumbitude, and dumbosity that it no longer merits a remark, excoriating or otherwise.

I tried to come up with my own wiseacre wisecrack and quickly learned why I haven’t heard or seen any memorable clap backs.  Trump’s inanity is sufficiently overwhelming to stunt the creative process. In other words, Captain Dumberpants has reached the next level in his will to power; he’s made me dumb too.

In my idiocracy, the only thing that occurred to me was that the phrase “That’s politics!” sounded familiar.  Was it familiar because the Great Pumpkin had said it before? Was it familiar because it’s a catchphrase he coopted? Was it familiar because I’ve said it? The answer was a resounding “none of the above.”

A coffee and sandwich later the source of the familiarity hit me.  It reminded me of “That’s all, folks!”, the long-standing catchphrase of Porky Pig of Looney Tunes fame.

I replaced “That’s politics!” with “That’s all folks!”, and was delighted to find that the switch made no difference in Swirlyhead McBluster’s message at all.  To wit:

Most politicians would have gone to a meeting like the one Don jr [sic] attended in order to get info on an opponent. That’s all, folks!”

My God!  Have I stumbled on a new parlor game?  Is this the replacement for “between the sheets” when reading a fortune cookie’s fortune out loud? Of much more importance, ARE THERE OTHER PHRASES THAT CAN BE SWAPPED IN THAT ARE EQUALLY ABSURD AND STILL MAKE NO DIFFERENCE?

I did a quick mental inventory of pithy phrases that began with, “That’s…”

Guess what?

They all work.  Why do they work?  Because if you tack a new phrase of no significance onto the end of another phrase of no significance…the change in meaning is insignificant. That’s a lot of insignificance.

Which brings me back to Trump.  What if artists, beloved characters from books, film, pop culture, what have you, are given the opportunity to gild the turd of Trump’s most recent Tweet?  Let’s see what might happen:

  • Most politicians would have gone to a meeting like the one Don jr [sic] attended in order to get info on an opponent. That’s all I have to say about that. – Forrest Gump
  • Most politicians would have gone to a meeting like the one Don jr [sic] attended in order to get info on an opponent. That’s all she wrote. – unknown American origin
  • Most politicians would have gone to a meeting like the one Don jr [sic] attended in order to get info on an opponent. That’s all I can stands and I can’t stands no more! – Popeye
  • Most politicians would have gone to a meeting like the one Don jr [sic] attended in order to get info on an opponent. That’s the way it is. – Bruce Hornsby
  •  Most politicians would have gone to a meeting like the one Don jr [sic] attended in order to get info on an opponent.t That’s what she said! – General Bro population
  • Most politicians would have gone to a meeting like the one Don jr [sic] attended in order to get info on an opponent. That’s entertainment! – MGM Studios
  • Most politicians would have gone to a meeting like the one Don jr [sic] attended in order to get info on an opponent. That’s gold, jerry, gold! – Cosmo Kramer

While the contributions above don’t serve to clarify Donald’s point, they don’t mess it up either.  In fact, they might make his ridiculous statement a little more comprehensible…maybe even cuter?

Forget it. I’m not putting words in Trump’s mouth.  (Don’t go for the obvious joke there, people.) I suggest you do the same. Letting him speak for himself is more than enough.

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About Author

Lawyer, literary agent, book packager, film producer, writer, New Yorker. Likes long walks on the beach and little dogs. Hates mean people and when the pharmacy runs out of Klonopin.

1 Comment

  1. That third one was Popeye, not George Jetson.

    Also, you forgot, “that’s one big pile of shit.” (Malcolm, from Jurassic Park)

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