A new report from BuzzFeed alleges that R&B singer R. Kelly is the Manson-like leader of a sex “cult” where he’s stowed away a slew of young women in his Atlanta and Chicago homes. According to the story, he has total control over their lives, even tells them when they can and can’t enter a room. They also must call him “daddy”  and if anyone gets out of line, they receive a severe beating. As we all remember, R. Kelly has been accused numerous times of sexual misconduct with minors, most famously over a sex tape he made with a 14-year-old. He was acquitted on 14 counts of child pornography in 2008. So, yeah — this doesn’t surprise me all that much. I guess he’s just upped his game to ‘cult status.’

Kelly is known among his friends as a master manipulator who lures these women into his web with promises of recording contracts and easy money.

His lawyer Linda Mensch, defended her client against the charge in a passionate email which read, “We can only wonder why folks would persist in defaming a great artist who loves his fans, works 24/7, and takes care of all of the people in his life. He works hard to become the best person and artist he can be. It is interesting that stories and tales debunked many years ago turn up when his goal is to stop the violence; put down the guns; and embrace peace and love. I suppose that is the price of fame. Like all of us, Mr. Kelly deserves a personal life. Please respect that.”

Like all of us.

Yes, let’s please respect that. I don’t know about you, but I definitely prefer to be left alone to conduct my sex cult in peace. Constant interruptions from the authorities are a total drag. Whenever I’m preparing a spot of Kool-Aid, like clockwork someone rings the door-bell. Irritating isn’t the word for it, it’s downright inconsiderate. I’m not allowed an un-harried moment to mete out what I feel is a fair and just punishment on my baby dolls…it takes concentration, I tell you!

Personally, I’ve never got the whole R. Kelly phenomenon. That whole “Trapped in the Closet” stuff, it’s like 22 chapters or something? Who’s he think he is, Proust? Is this A Remembrance of Things Past or what? I’m not impressed, with him or his cornrows. Is the closet stuff about his repressed homosexuality or is he actually trapped in a closet? I was trapped in a bus bathroom once when I was a teenager. It wasn’t long – ten minutes tops. It was somewhere between Rochester and Utica.

Anyway, R. Kelly, you really should stop horribly abusing women. One would think you’d have gotten it out of your system by now. Where do you get the energy at your age?

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