I’m 47 years old, which makes me a prime candidate for midlife crisis. At this point in my life, I should be pricing Ferraris, fucking secretaries and generally bemoaning my lost youth. I mean, I saw “American Beauty.” I know what’s expected of me.
Because I lack stick-to-it-iveness, I could only get it together to do one of those things. Sure, Ferraris are fun and secretary conquests are certainly good for a morale boost, but ugh, effort. No, the only one of these things that I’ve really seen through is the nostalgia part, which I flog pretty hard.
You see, as a lad, I identified as a “metal” person. I played in a band and I wore the subculture’s uniform of long hair, leather jacket and Slayer shirt. I won adulation from being onstage and I received occasional winks from young ladies as well.
It was a very short period of my life, but it was a fucking blast, and I look back on it fondly. Thus, the music of that era fills me with pleasant nostalgia when I hear it today, much as an elderly man is magically transported to the period of his greatest virility when someone puts on some Benny Goodman. This despite the fact that the music of my youth was all Satanism, broad-axe battles and nuclear war,
As the aging process works its magic on me, I realize there must be other people in the midst of midlife crisis, or within striking distance of it, looking for a similar, magical portal to the good old days. But what if their good old days are less interesting than mine? What if all they did in the 1980s was listen to Huey Lewis and watch “Murder She Wrote”?
If this is the case, The Z Review offers you a playlist to correct this injustice. These were all songs that played a big part in my life when I was a young metal dude, and now you, too, can listen to them and vicariously relive moments that I, at least, found enjoyable.
So, as you undergo that routine colonoscopy, eliminate red meat from your diet and wonder where it all went wrong, listen to this playlist and pretend you didn’t waste the one period of your life when you might have briefly been sexually desirable.
Anthrax – “Indians”
Celtic Frost – “Visual Aggression”
Dark Angel – “Darkness Descends”
Kreator – “Storming With Menace”
Metallica – “Ride the Lightning”
Nuclear Assault – “Rise from the Ashes”
Slayer – “Necrophobic”
Stormtroppers of Death – “United Forces”
Testament – “The New Order”
Voivod – “Helldriver”