Dateline July 17, 2017 – 3:48pm MT
Before I begin, no matter what you’ve heard about the delay of the Trumpcare vote, there is NO REASON TO PANIC. No matter how long McConnell waits, he won’t get the bill passed. I’ve got this.
As you Z readers know, I came out of hiding, first from John McCain’s brain then from an undisclosed address in the American southwest, to enlighten the public about the pivotal situation in which we all find ourselves.
I was under the impression that my work was effective but impossible to trace. I was wrong. Doctors have concluded that my journey to John’s frontal lobe was the source of his Comey commotion. I am going to have to go deeper under cover. Do I regret what I did? No. Would I do it again? Absolutely.
I did what I did because I love my country and feel it is vital that I inform the American public about my relationship with John, my commitment to his excellence, our friendship, and how that friendship necessitates I keep John from being a giant douche. He can’t be McConnell’s swing vote. It will haunt him for the rest of his life, as short as that may be. I don’t want him to have even a moment of regret. He’s got to go out a winner. But I’m faced with a challenge and I need your help.
When Stanley “Trench Foot” Troutman, C.D.R., U.S. Navy (retired) smuggled me out of the Mayo Clinic, we didn’t have time to find out how John’s surgery would end. It didn’t occur to us that, should I need to reenter to effect further behavioral changes from within his brain, there could be any technical problems. Unfortunately, there are. As some of you know, a titanium plate was used to cover the hole doctors bored in John’s skull to evict me from the premises. That makes reentry from the point of egress very difficult. That’s not a safe we want to crack. We want John alive and doing the right thing until he draws his last heroic breath.
When Stanley and I get lemons, we make lemonade. Rather than curse that titanium plate, we will make it our ally. Stanley feels pretty sure that he can lure John to a secluded area with few questions asked. Once he’s there, we need to keep him there long enough for me to take up residence in John’s cranium once more. The solution is obvious:
DO ANY OF YOU DEAR READERS HAVE A REALLY BIG MAGNET WE CAN BORROW? (We will need it for less than 24 hours.)
Even with the magnet, reentry won’t be easy. Troutman will marinate me in blood thinner for approximately 15 minutes to get me slim enough to enter John through a tear duct. It’s not an ideal situation for me, but once again, I’m willing to go as far as I have to for my country.
In the event that tear-duct reentry is just too difficult, we do have a plan B. We will employ the Z Review’s sponsor’s product, The Trepaugur.
Boring a hole in the side of our buddy’s head while promoting the excellent APIA/RONCO product is the least we can do. The Trepaugur was made for occasions such as these, when a doctor isn’t available but you still have to access someone else’s brain.
We pledge to only use the “release evil spirits” setting. We’re not going full Rose Kennedy. Trust us. And though we don’t have titanium plates to cover up our Trepaugur work, should it become necessary, we strongly feel that that some folded and tightly packed aluminum foil will get the job done.
If you are in possession of a large magnet, preferably from the Acme Corporation, get in touch with us through The Z. Those brave upholders of justice know where to find me.
Yours in patriotism.