New York – 11:24am
In six minutes, Mitch McConnell (the only man alive who can simultaneously look and sound both weasely and flabby) will introduce the next iteration of Trump’s healthcare proposal. We of the Z want to make sure everyone understands the most important two points of what will unfold over the next few hours. This is all you need to know:
IF THE NEW PROPOSALS PASSES, and the bill is signed by Trumpy McDumpkins, health insurance (poorly named in this case) will be exclusively for the rich. I’m not being an alarmist liberal. Look up the numbers in any reputable newspaper. Your life will be like this:
- To get the coverage you have under ACA (Obamacare) you’ll pay three times what you pay now.
- This is possible because the requirement for “affordable health care” for the common person will be satisfied by insurers offer: SHITTY HEALTH SERVICE THAT PROVIDES EVEN SKIMPIER CARE THAN “CATASTROPHIC CARE” UNDER THE ACA (OBAMACARE).
- That means that you will have to pay catastrophic rates, your deductibles will be high, and the only health care you’ll receive is if you get hit by a bus and wind up in the emergency room
- Predictably, Ted Cruz came up with this idea.
WHAT WILL KEEP THE BILL FROM PASSING?
- The GOP needs 50 votes to pass the bill
- Whether or not they have the votes is looking dicey.
- Two republican congressmen have already said they won’t vote for the bill (one thinks it’s too harsh, the other too Obama-ish, but who cares?)
- Other unnamed GOP reps have shared the proposal and their reservations about it with the Washington Post
- If they lose anyone else, the GOP won’t have their new healthcare bill.
THE STRAIGHT DOPE: If the healthcare bill does pass, we’re screwed. I don’t know how long it will take to implement, but your only conscious thought day-in-day-out should be “I WON’T GET SICK OR IN AN ACCIDENT OR PREGNANT. OR ANYTHING ELSE. LET’S HOPE I ONLY GET HIT BY A BUS ‘CAUSE I’VE GOT THAT COVERED.” (Repeat as often as required. Incorporate it into your daily affirmations.)
If the healthcare bill doesn’t pass, Sticky Fingered Stubkins will, “be very angry.” I’m not making this up. This shit writes itself. The consequence that the president is threatening congress with is his rage.
Despite having illegally filled government posts with his unqualified kin, not everyone involved in U.S. politics is related to The Tan Man. So they don’t really give a shit if he’s “very angry” with them. Tan Man’s kids may quake from years of what is revealing itself to be emotional abuse, but Paul Rand? Mmmm…not so much.
Let’s see what the Republican representatives of our nation come up with. If you’re down on Obama, and thusly Obamacare, root for apathy and desire not to make waves on the part of your reps. But remember this:
IF YOUR KID GETS CANCER, LEUKEMIA, BLOOD POISONING, RESPITORY OR CARDIAC ARREST, YOU BETTER HOPE THAT SAINT JUDE’S HAS SOME OPEN BEDS.
IF YOU GET ANYTHING, YOU’RE FUCKED. START STUDYING THE POWER OF THE MIND-BODY CONNECTION. AMERICANS, HEAL THYSELVES.