SCENE: Open in Putin’s office in Grand Kremlin Palace. Vladimir Putin is seated in a wooden, hand-carved, traditional Russian chair. He rises as Trump and his aides enter the office. Vlad steps forward to shake Trump’s hand, engulfing it in his own. Vlad clasps his left hand over both of their hands, obscuring the American president’s physical anomaly before any press cameras can capture the moment.
Donald: (looks down at their interlaced fingers and sighs with gratitude) Thank you, Vla … President Putin, for such a phenomenal and thoughtful greeting.
Vlad: It is my greatest pleasure to host you in the Grand Kremlin Palace.
Donald: Thank you, thank you, but you know this isn’t the first time I’ve been here. I used to own the place. All that gilding you see? I did it. Just like when I did the Plaza Hotel.
Vlad: (Dropping Donald’s hand and gesturing for him to sit down. Putin sits back down in the rustic chair). Really? I wasn’t aware of that particular piece of information. But, as you know, I have long been a fan of the numerous facts you are able to produce.
Donald: (Leans back in plush, upholstered armchair) So whaddya do here? I’m in the good chair and you’re in that loser of an Ikea piece of crap. I gotta say that it is a tremendous honor to me that you have decided to take the hit on this one.
Trump Aide #1: (leaning down to Trump’s ear) Sir, it may not be in the best interest of the nation for you to publically refer to Russia taking hits for, or from, the U.S.
Trump: (loud whisper) Shut up, kid. This is how you do foreign policy. It’s like sublinear advertising.
Aide #1: That’s “subliminal” sir.
Trump: SHUT THE FUCK UP! (to Aide #2) Get this loser out of here!
Aide #1 is picked up by the elbows and shirt collar by two burly, shaved headed members of his entourage. He is tossed out of the room as if from a bar brawl.
Vlad: Donald, my friend, I’m very glad that you are enjoying the recording dev…chair that we have provided for you. The chair I have chosen is of great historical significance to me and my closest confidantes in the Kremlin.
Trump: Yeah, yeah, what are we, two fags talking about decorating? Spit it out, Vlad.
Vlad: My chair represents all of Russia’s pogroms of the 19th century, particularly one of the several pogroms of 1905…
Trump waves his hand impatiently, indicating Vlad has to step on it.
Vlad: (rushing to get the words out quickly) It was seized from the household of an undesirable element and brought here as a reminder of the strength of Russia’s power.
Trump: Hey. You don’t need to get fancy on me now that we’re in your pretend Oval Office. You weren’t talking “undesirable element” in the steam room at Mar-A-Lago.
Vlad: I mean Jews.
(Trump slowly looks over at his security team. One of them pulls at his collar, revealing a questionable neck tattoo. Donald wildly gesticulates, indicating that the bald fellow’s ink should remain covered.)
Trump: Oh! Jews! They’re not so bad. I have one of them. You’ve met my son-in-law Jared a bunch of times.
Vlad: There’s always the exception to the rule. Jared is a good boy. He tries hard but knows his place. His work as a telephone operator has been appreciated. Perhaps he has a future in communication technology?
Trump: Yeah. That could be good. Let’s see how he does with the Middle East first. If he gets a gold Mr. T necklace too, I’ll let him stick with it.
Vlad: Yes, well. That is nice. Another American endeavor I am very interested in discussing is energy.
Trump: Whoa! I’m as energetic as the next guy! They offered me that golf cart in Italy. I could have run circles around those cripples at the G7. (sweating and pulling at his jacket) Energy to spare!
Vlad: Of course you do. You do have energy. In fact, the United States is a very energetic country. My colleagues and I would like to do for your whole nation what we have done for you.
Trump: Offered international sex tours?
Vlad: I don’t understand the reference. In the same way that we bought you a lifetime gym membership at the New York Health and Racquet Club, we would like to buy a similar opportunity for your countrymen. We very much want to help them grow stronger by finding an outlet where they can put their unused energy.
Trump: Look, it would be a tremendous help. Even better if you can get them to use it. I’m sick of looking at fat retards all over America. Actually, I love the fat retards, they give me a lot of support. I just don’t want to look at them, particularly the women. Have you seen what’s knocking around America? They make your potato-eating chicks look awesome.
Vlad: Looks at Ivanka who has, until now, been obscured by an armoire formerly of the Alexander Palace. Donald, darling, your lovely daughter may take exception to your comment about the women of your great nation.
Trump: Her? You gotta be kidding me. She’s a 10. She don’t care. I’d bang her if I could catch her. She’s what American women should all be.
Vlad: Heading failed businesses funded by their fathers?
Trump: No! She stands for our women! She’s really into maternity leave, and education, and fair pay…tell him honey.
Ivanka: I’m not political.
Vlad: As I was saying, I would like our two countries to come together to grow stronger as an alliance than grow apart and risk pissing off that little Korean.
Trump: Yeah, that guy’s an asshole. Total asshole.
Vlad: So we start with a financial alliance and create a two-year plan to join us in all other endeavors in which you will grant us access to your resources in exchange for a personal check? We’ll leave it up to you to disperse these funds appropriately.
Trump: Sounds awesome.
The two men stand up and shake hands in the same manner they did upon meeting. Putin puts a protective arm around Trump and gently directs him toward the office door. Trump’s aides leave first with Donald and Ivanka trailing behind.
Trump: (sotto voce, to Ivanka) What does disperse mean?
Ivanka: Don’t worry about it daddy. I think it’s a political term and I’m not political.
Trump: That’s right, baby girl. Stay pretty. (Kisses Ivanka loudly and wetly on the cheek while gently caressing her ass. Ivanka brushes his hand away. Trump puts it back. Ivanka brushes it away again. This continues until they have left Putin’s office and have made it into a deserted hallway. Trump goes for it one more time. Ivanka snuggles close and puts her arm around her daddy.