e know that the average American has to work hard for his or her dollar. There’s no shame in working hard, no matter what it is you do.  We at the AMERICAN PSYCHIATRIC INSTITUTE OF THE AMERICAS (APIA) are proud to say that hard work is the cornerstone of our motto:
Laborare Insanimus.

In our ongoing quest to bring the best in patient care to our member physicians and their patients, APIA is excited to make a new announcement. We have teamed up with the outstanding folks at RONCO, pulling from the past and building upon it for the future, creating the final word in “self-help.”

Meet THE TREPAUGUR, the first at-home trepanning system on the market. It’s small and light enough for a woman to use, but has all the power a man needs to get the job done.

The team at APIA knows that, very soon, our bills will not be paid by insurance companies. And we know there’s no way that you can pay us out of pocket! Nonetheless, we are committed to our promise to ease the troubled minds and souls of Americans, coast-to-coast.

For best results, all you have to do is gently place the business end of the TREPAUGUR on your temple (left or right, the choice is all yours) and slowly squeeze the pressure sensitive handle. You might want to place the TREPAUGUR at the back of your neck or beneath your hair, but we think that after the TREPAUGUR has done its magic, beauty concerns will trouble you no more.

The good folks at RONCO encouraged us to consider different speed settings for different needs.  We at APIA couldn’t agree more.  Everyone suffers differently, how could one setting answer everyone’s problems?  Of course it can’t.  The three speed settings on the TREPAUGUR are:

  1. Releasing evil spirits
  2. Partial memory loss
  3. Rose Kennedy

Don’t wait! Don’t suffer a minute more! Financial concerns do not apply! For $19.95 you get the TREPAUGUR with power cord.  If you act now, you also get the attractive velveteen travel case and battery pack ABSOLUTELY FREE!

The TREPAUGUR: Connect with your medieval roots while you look toward the future*

*Not all users of the TREPAUGUR will have full or any vision after use.

** Please assist your children with the TREPAUGUR before using on yourself.

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Lawyer, literary agent, book packager, film producer, writer, New Yorker.

Likes long walks on the beach and little dogs. Hates mean people and when the pharmacy runs out of Klonopin.

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