kay guys, we’re facing a problem.  What we have here is a failure to communicate.  Actually, it’s not a failure to communicate, it’s a failure to accurately call out Trump’s Drumpfiness in new and innovative ways.  Here’s what I am able to come up with in time for July 4th picnics and family melt-downs. Please feel free to add your own new and improved presidential put-downs to the comments section. For the love of God, people!  We need to keep it fresh! Here are a few suggestions for further discourse on Donald (in alphabetical order for your convenience):

PRESIDENT WHO?

Donald’s Dumpalternately Donald Dump – The flexibility of this moniker is what makes it so exciting.  It refers to the fact that Donald is, himself, (barely) human excrement.  BUT…it can also be used to refer to any policy, or cabinet member, he may attempt to put in place.

Donald Gump – This one was just too easy.  I think we all know that Donny has figured out that life is, indeed, a box of chocolates.  He definitely didn’t know what he was going to get.

Donald (please don’t) Hump – If you’re tired of the “grab ‘em by the pussy” debacle, too bad.  Once a sexual predator, always a sexual predator.  I think it’s safe to assume #45, on at least a few occasions, dragged a few unwilling partners into the Humpty Dance.

Donald “orange men can’t” Jump – This is more an homage to the cinematic genius of Wesley Snipes and Woody Harrelson than a commentary on Donny’s basketball skills.  HOWEVER, we do know that Drumpfy erroneously thinks of himself as a real baller.  Tenuous connection?  Maybe.  But it still works.

Donald (fat loser) Klump – This one’s for everyone who Don has dubbed “fat”, a “loser”, or in any way compromised by girth or looks.  Don.  Let’s get real.  You know you’d be right at home with Eddie Murphy, Eddie Murphy, Eddie Murphy and Eddie Murphy at the fattest, fartiest dinner table ever committed to film.  Except the Klump’s wouldn’t dine with you because you’re a loser and they have a brilliant professor amongst them.

Donald Lump – Lump, as in “ineffectual”, “stationary”, “lifeless”, “cancerous”

Donald “My neck and face are so bloated I may have” Mumps – Yeah, it’s a cheap fat joke.  But it’s also wishful thinking.  It takes about two weeks for mumps to clear up.  I think we all need a two-week vacation from pontifications from (alleged) POTUS.

Donald “two pump” Chump – Why else would anyone, much less the President of the United States, spend so much time advertising his sexual conquests?  Drumpfy is clearly an “in and out” kind of guy.  Ladies, am I right?  I know you know what I’m talking about!

Donald Rump – This one was just waiting for its moment.  It’s a little more subtle than calling Donny an ass, asshole, buttmunch, butthead, asshat, gaping anus, or any of the other popular terms in current rotation.

Donald “sorry I can’t shake hands, all I’ve got is this” Stump – I’ll admit it. This is my favorite. Why? Because, AMAZINGLY, the little hands thing still pisses Trump off!! Seriously, dude. Time to let it go. No. Don’t let it go. Please don’t. Not before Donald Stump catches on.

HAPPY AMERICA, AMERICANS! DON’T FORGET TO WAIT 20 MINUTES BEFORE YOU GO IN THE WATER!

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Lawyer, literary agent, book packager, film producer, writer, New Yorker. Likes long walks on the beach and little dogs. Hates mean people and when the pharmacy runs out of Klonopin.

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