i everyone!  Happy July 4th!  Are you getting ready to celebrate?  I’m thinking you might be making Granny’s award-winning potato salad, getting the deviled eggs devilishly yummy, and squeezing out gallons of lemonade. Of utmost importance, you’re likely firing up the grill for the hot dogs and hamburgers that are just jumping out of their packages in excitement to self-immolate for your pleasure.

I’m not. I just can’t do it.  The problem is, I AM proud to be an American but I feel like celebrating too loudly at the moment is the equivalent of being the ugly American in Paris wearing a Hawaiian shirt and cargo shorts.  There’s something unseemly about chanting, “USA! USA! USA!” while our elected leader is the biggest douche-nozzle ever to hold office.

HOWEVER, I can’t abandon my fellow Americans. I still have to get psyched about our nation’s declaration of independence from an unreasonable despotic ruler. King George III SUCKED, right? To quote 19th century writer George Trevelyan,

“The King wanted to “keep the rebels harassed, anxious, and poor, until the day when, by a natural and inevitable process, discontent and disappointment were converted into penitence and remorse”

Shit. That sounds eerily familiar. So does this:

“[as a young man]…George was a difficult pupil, not exactly unwilling, but lethargic and incapable of concentration. At times he was silent and morose and when he was angry, he became obstinate and sullen. At twenty, he still wrote like a child.”

Oh, for God’s sake.  But where there are storm clouds, there can also be a silver lining:

“[known as "Mad King George”]…his doctors had him strapped into a strait jacket.”

Okay, that’s a historical parallel I can live with.  I just hope that there are a few worker bees buzzing around the White House who know how to access very large butterfly nets and the aforementioned strait jacket.

Everyone knows 18th century Anglo-Irish politician Edmund Burke’s chestnut, “Those who don’t know history are doomed to repeat it.” If that’s the case, what does that tell us on this very special day?  It tells us that we have elected King George III back into office from the grave and now have to go through the whole rigmarole of declaring independence again. Jesus, what a pain in the ass!  The good news is that we know how to do it (if we bother to know our history) and can do it again.  But we need a good kick-off.

Can someone in Boston please throw a box of Lipton tea bags into the harbor so we can get on with this?

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Lawyer, literary agent, book packager, film producer, writer, New Yorker. Likes long walks on the beach and little dogs. Hates mean people and when the pharmacy runs out of Klonopin.

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