peaking from experience, please allow me to lay down upon you two truths I’ve learned about anal sex:

1) Most women say they either hate it or are afraid of it.

2) They all love it (though some may not know it yet).

One thing is for certain, when it comes to relationships you should definitely go for the anal sooner rather than later. If you make a big deal about it, hem and haw, turn it into some grand event, it just loses the impact. I say if you meet someone new and you’re kinda diggin’ her, go for it right off the bat.

I used to have a girlfriend who would always say to me, “If you let me peg you with a dildo, then I’ll let you in my backdoor!” Like those two things are even comparable! There is so much more baggage that comes along with ravishing a man’s rectum. Come on now! She had some serious control issues, I tell you. The kicker of the story is that I did eventually breech her inner sanctum and she loved it. She couldn’t get enough of it, in fact!

So you see, even the ones with control issues ultimately dig on the cornholing.

Some women have tried sneaking their digits through priesthole, but I’m just not into that. I usually can get out of it with a note from my proctologist I requested some years back. It reads: “My patient will unfortunately be unable to participate in ass-play due to his tomato-sized hemorrhoids.” I’ve even had the note laminated for safe measure. I’m not lying, by the way, about my unfortunate condition. I must say, being tormented by the piles has certainly taken a bit of the fun out of anal sex as I can now better empathize about the rectal pain.

The state of empathy is just not conducive to fucking someone in the ass.

One time, I was getting fellatio from this girl and she stuck a clandestine finger in there. I immediately clenched up and yelped in agony. She persisted, saying that massaging the prostate would heighten my pleasure and that I just needed to go with it. Well, I figured I’d try it at least once, so I let her continue.

It was an odd sensation.

As she went on with her business, I began to feel increasingly loose down there – if you catch my drift. By the time I approached orgasm, I felt like I was gonna shit all over the bed. I think I might have even squeaked out a warning along the lines of, “Look out below!” I shut my eyes and went with it though, praying I wouldn’t spray her in the face with a steaming load of feces. Thankfully I did not experience any bowel release.

It was ok I guess, not anything I’d make a practice out of. The thing was, she had long fingernails…very long finger nails. The next day at work, I kept shifting around in my seat with an ache in my backyard that just would not quit. When I think about it, that’s probably what started my whole hemorrhoid situation! The episode almost managed to dampen my enthusiasm for sodomy…but not quite.

When it comes to sex, you can really learn a lot about your partner just by sliding a finger up their butt mid-coitus. If they squirm and push your hand away, I say you need to reassess or rather re-ASS-ess the situation. It’s really a colossal way of telling whether they’re a tight ass or not – literally and figuratively.

Alright, I know I’ll hear from some of you how I didn’t like my anus manipulated, so why should I expect my partner to. I hear you, it’s a double standard no doubt, but it’s a turn on. Of course, that poses the question, “What exactly is the turn on?” I don’t know if I can give you a proper answer to that. Maybe it’s the taboo aspect, or some psychological expulsive/retentive deal, whatever it is – it exists. For me the anal thing is a touchstone. When you’re in a relationship, you need certain things that you can call upon to activate your libido when things have gone stale. I refer to them as touchstones. The more there are, the better chance there is of the relationship lasting.

After reading this, you might ask, “Well what if you met the perfect woman in every regard, except she didn’t like anal sex?” Well, I would refer you to truth number two — she loves it…She just doesn’t know it yet!

The thing of it is, as a man, you want to be the one to make her know it. Then again she could have hemorrhoids, in which case she would need to present me with a Doctor’s note and I could show her how to laminate it.

Bottom line on butt stuff – it’s saucy! If you’ll excuse the repulsive imagery. Moreover, it’s a true measuring stick as to where you’re at in a relationship, who you’re with in a relationship and whether you’re having a good ole’ time.

I think I’ll end this discussion with some eloquent words from our seventh president, Andrew Jackson (Old Hickory to his friends) who was once overheard at a white house function merrily stating: “Ain’t no one getting anal from their woman, ain’t got no smile on their face.”

Whatta perv!

About Author

I'm a writer/editor with a penchant for saddle shoes, pontification and fried pork rinds. Equal parts gadfly, cut-up, provocateur, philosopher, and silly-willy. My personal heroes include Reggie Jackson, Elvis Costello and Philip Roth.

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