I have clever friends and acquaintances. This is both a good and bad state of affairs. The good is obvious; we have interesting conversations and we laugh a lot. The bad is that almost anyone will do anything to land a joke, no matter what the subject or whom the butt might be. For example, a few years ago my friend Bret kindly informed me that if I was the serial killer in Dexter, “You’d tie them up, then when they wake up you nag them until they kill themselves.” It’s funny because it’s true. I’m willing to admit that.

Sparring with them is fun, but eavesdropping is better.  It’s less of a contact sport.  As I make my way through the streets, subways, restaurants, and bars of New York I listen to everyone.  I even lean in.  And then, of course, I write it all down. This column is a faithful record of New York sass.  Enjoy the one-offs of people I don’t know but managed to be around at their funniest moment, intended or otherwise.

Today’s top five:

“I don’t eat land meat.”

Dinner guest describing pescatarianism

“Lord knows we have sullied our suede shoes in the mud puddles of insanity from time to time.”

Gay man at Bemelman’s Bar

“How was Seder?” “We didn’t have Seder, my mother had diverticulitis.”

Beleaguered Jew on 6 train

“She looks like she went to Spence and married well. Unlike the Kardashians who look like they went to the corn crib and ate themselves into prostitution.”

Another reliably witty homosexual

“He make good money, but he act like trash.”

Drunk guy on 7th Street

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About Author

Lawyer, literary agent, book packager, film producer, writer, New Yorker. Likes long walks on the beach and little dogs. Hates mean people and when the pharmacy runs out of Klonopin.

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