As I write this, not all the votes in the election for Georgia’s 6th district have been counted yet, but one thing is clear – Jon Ossoff lost. It may be close, and he may finish in a “strong second,” but the fact remains. That backwoods nimrod he ran against whose name I haven’t bothered to learn, because who gives a shit, has prevailed. And yet another Democratic defeat goes in the history books. And we might as well start digitizing those books, because there’s no more room on the shelves.

Since Hillary Clinton fell to Emperor Shit-For-Brains in November, I have had to go on a strict media diet, because I cannot sit here and listen to yet another handwringing session by the usual idiots about what Democrats have to do in order to win. There are only a few things that these people ever say, and they boil down to the following:

  • Democrats have to appeal to the working class
  • Democrats have to relate to white voters
  • Democrats have to be likeable
  • Democrats have to stop pandering to the middle
  • Democrats have to stop pandering to minorities
  • Democrats have to appeal to young people and independents
  • Democrats have to be a reasonable alternative to Trump

And so on.

Every single one of these is wrong, and I honestly can’t sit here and watch these dumb fucks yammer on about it any longer. After all, someone watching might think they’re correct and base a strategy on it, putting Democrats on a trajectory to remain in the minority in the House and the Senate, and handing Emperor Shit-For-Brains a second term. They’re already on that trajectory, by the way, because they haven’t learned the number one lesson of the 2016 election, and I don’t see them learning it by November 2018 or November 2020.

So what is that lesson, you may ask?

Until very recently, I’ve been a politics junkie, and I watched every consultant and strategist, for both parties, do their thing. What I noticed was this – Democrats would go on the morning talk shows and Bill Maher and what have you and appeal to the educated and try to make a case for certain policies.

Republicans, on the other hand, would just start shouting, lying and attacking everyone and everything. That was 100% of their strategy, and they were punished for it by winning control of all three branches of government. The lesson was clear. Always be attacking, all the time, no matter what. It doesn’t matter how shitty a candidate you are or how untenable your position is. Just be in a perpetual state of attack at all times. Also, never apologize. Just keep attacking.

This became clear to me one night last fall when I was watching KellyAnne Conway on some news show, doing her thing. Hillary Clinton led Trump by a good margin in the polls, and she was at 46%. So, Conway started calling her “Miss 46%” and railed mercilessly on the fact that “she just can’t get above 46%.” The anchor rightly pointed out that Trump was polling even lower, but it didn’t matter. Just keep stabbing, over and over again, until the guy cuts your mic.

The Republicans have no policies, no likeable representatives and are pretty clear that they have a seething contempt for the entire population of this country. But they get elected all the time anyway because they’re enraged, authoritarian demagogues, and this is what the American people want to vote for. It may not be who they want representing them, but they don’t think that far ahead. They just vote and forget about it.

This may sound like a dispatch from deep within the liberal bubble, and as I am a Democrat from Brooklyn, the facts certainly would seem to support such a view. However, this is how people in New York City get elected too. Allow me the indulgence of a reminiscence, if you will…

The year was 1997, and Rudy Giuliani, whom I consider the scum of the earth and whom I hope will very soon die a protracted and painful death that hopefully involves his genitals splitting open with gangrene and suppuration, was running for his second term as mayor. I was surprised to learn that many of my liberal friends planned to vote to re-elect him, despite spending the last four years complaining about his policies.

“Why are you voting for him?” I asked one such friend.

“Well, he’s done a lot of things I don’t like,” she said. “He’s really strengthened the police, and his policies are just racist. I’m really worried about a lot of the things he’s doing. But at least he’s not a pussy!

Emphasis mine.

Twenty years later, I finally put it together. Americans want to vote for the biggest asshole. I have seen nothing to convince me otherwise. They want the biggest, most authoritarian douchebag they can possibly find, because they like being pushed around by strongmen. It makes them feel safe and protected. It makes them feel like their drunken molester father might rape someone else tonight, and when he’s done, maybe we can watch television together? He loves me when he’s not raping me, and he only rapes me because he’s got a lot on his mind.

This is not to say that Democratic politicians should change their positions on things or change their policies. This is to say that they should stop talking policy entirely, because no one gives a shit. They should instead focus 100% of their energy on sliming, tarring and humiliating their opponents, their opponents’ spouses, and their opponents’ families. This is the strategy that has kept Republicans in office for almost 40 years, despite incontrovertible evidence that their policies are shit and actively make the world worse. This is why people voted for Trump despite his promises to end the ACA, and then became upset when he got elected and said he would end the ACA.

“We didn’t think he meant it!” his voters said. The truth is that they didn’t care if he meant it. All that mattered was that he was handing that bitch Hillary her ass. Who cares what he does after the election? Not the people who voted for him, that’s for sure.

So Democrats – voters, politicians, volunteers, you name it – it’s time to start learning how to be the most hostile pricks you can possibly be. It’s time to go to opposition research school and learn how to discredit people. It’s time to learn how to sabotage people. It’s time to learn how to kneecap people. It’s time to sneak up behind the Republicans and shiv them while their pants are dropped because they’re using the bathroom.

If you want to start winning elections, this is how it’s going to happen. Otherwise, you should learn to be happy with coming in second and reaping the benefits of honorable, moral victories. Those benefits, of course, being absolutely nothing.

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About Author

Daniel Bukszpan is a freelance writer with over 20 years’ experience. He has written for such publications as Fortune, CNBC and The Daily Beast. He is the author of “The Encyclopedia of Heavy Metal,” published in 2003 by Barnes and Noble and “The Encyclopedia of New Wave,” published in 2012 by Sterling Publishing.

2 Comments

  1. Wow. If this wasn’t your birthday, I’d be smashing this emotional birthday cake in my covfeface. What a whiny little boy you are. Take a hint. No one likes Progressive politics. They are cancer and there you go getting mad about why we don’t want cancer. John Ossoff was inexperienced and politically inept to run our district. It’s the one of the wealthiest, most privileged regions of the state, and money talks. Speaking of which, most of the money for Ossoff came from folks like yourself. Privileged people. I’m not even sure you’re from Georgia, let alone the 6th district?!

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