When you write about sex and relationships, people tend to look to you as some sort of ‘guru’. I’m constantly besieged with all manner of questions related to fucking, sucking, and dating. Always mindful of my position of influence, I try to dole out my advice in as sage and comforting a manner as possible – although sometimes I have to get a bit tough with some of the masochists. The interesting thing I’ve discovered is, most everyone has some at least some modicum of insecurity when it comes to their own sexual prowess. So for all you incompetent fumblers out there, I’ve compiled a list of sex and relationship tips that should serve you in good stead for years to come. So without further adieu…

1) Women, do not ever refer to a man’s penis as cute, widdle, adorable or mignon.

2) Men, do not ever refer to a woman’s vagina as a tuna boat, stink hole, vertical taco or bearded clam.

3) Spelling out the alphabet with your tongue when you’re giving a woman head is infantile and doesn’t work – especially if you’re attempting to sing the alphabet song whilst doing it.

4) Men, never refer back to your ex-girlfriend with the huge jugs and perfect ass as “great in bed” but completely crazy. You see all women are completely crazy, so it’s not much of an insult. The only thing your present girlfriend will hear is, “huge jugs” and “great in bed”.

5) Women never talk about how ex-boyfriend was an asshole and his dick was “way too big”. You see all guys are assholes, so it’s not much of an insult. The only thing your present boyfriend will hear is, “huge dick”.

6) Men, it’s called a clitoris not a Rubik’s cube – it’s not that difficult to figure out. Look it up in the goddamned dictionary under ‘C’ for crying eye. It is the female equivalent to the penis, meaning it’s what gets them off. Attend to it carefully, it’s not a gummi bear.

7) Women, it’s called a penis not a flexi straw. Attend to it carefully, no 90 degree angles, or Stretch Armstrong antics. It’s not a good thing when your man is left with blood blisters up and down his Johnson.

8) Men, remember to cut your fingernails before sticking your fingers in her ass.

9) Women, remember to cut your fingernails before sticking your fingers in his ass.

10) Men, when your lady asks you to pick up a ‘toy’ for later on, she doesn’t mean that vintage Six Million Dollar Man doll you’ve been watching for three days on Ebay.

11) Women, when your fella asks you to pick up a ‘toy’ for later on, he doesn’t mean a butt plug for him….well usually he doesn’t anyway.

12) Men, be careful, manscaping does not require hedge clippers. Moreover, never trim your pubes into funny animal shapes.

13) Women, either go with the bald look, or the full on fur burger, “Hitler moustaches” are way too 2002.

14) Men, forget about her sister, ‘cause it’s never gonna happen.

15) Women, forget about his best friend, he’s dating someone way hotter than you.

I hope you all find these tips useful. It’s been a pleasure to share with you my expertise and if I have saved but one person from lousy sex, I believe I’ve done my job!

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About Author

I'm a writer/editor with a penchant for saddle shoes, pontification and fried pork rinds. Equal parts gadfly, cut-up, provocateur, philosopher, and silly-willy. My personal heroes include Reggie Jackson, Elvis Costello and Philip Roth.

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