Now of course, this is a facetious title, meant to be tongue in cheek. Not all women suck in bed – literally or figuratively – but some/most definitely do. One take on it is that a significant amount of women never really learned how to fuck as they’d been taught over the years that all that was necessary was they show up believing that it should be honor enough for us guys to be allowed entrance into precious holes. This I’m afraid just doesn’t cut it.

Is this the real reason women suck in bed?

Last night I brought up this topic at dinner with some friends and their general consensus was different. They postulated that all this socialization mumbo jumbo was a red herring, and that it all had to do with sexual compatibility.

1)            If either you or your partner are not that into each other physically, this is going to reflect in the proceedings. People pick up on these things. We all draw on each other’s energy either on a conscious or sub-conscious level and if someone is projecting unease or uncertainty it has a direct affect.

2)     You just may be in different grooves. Sometimes, even if we are into each other it just ‘doesn’t happen’. This is not for lack of enthusiasm on either side, it’s just a rhythm/pacing thing. I’ve found that this can be worked through sometimes – but not every time!

3)     The wishy-washy affect. If you don’t give your partner any indication of what you like, how can you expect them to get it right?

Now, I can see their points don’t get me wrong, but personally I believe in the 25% rule – regardless of gender, only about 25% of anyone is truly good at anything. In this instance that ‘anything’ is sex. I’ve had some very enthusiastic partners that just didn’t have the skills. It wasn’t that they weren’t interested in pleasing me, it’s just that they were just really, really bad..

As far as blow jobs are concerned, man… I’ve had some horrible ones. Ones where teeth were involved, masticating my salami like a fucking chew toy. Then there were the ones with the Kung Fu Grip. Twisting, tearing and pulling with socket wrench finesse. I mean, I’ve literally gotten severe Indian burn a few times. Sometimes I felt embarrassed to tell them to stop. They thought they were doing a great job, all enthusiastic like, despite the fact that they were literally injuring me.

I remember this one girl, she was one of those types that always talked about sex, and how good she was at it. She would constantly wear revealing clothes with her tits hanging out all over the place. She was also way into her job, and would incessantly prattle on about how exciting and important it was. Anyway, I hung out with her a few times, and eventually we fooled around. This person went at my dick like she was a fucking preying mantis. Never have I been in so much pain in my life. I actually had to stop her, push her off and get the fuck out of there.

I thought about it later and wondered if there were some men out there that actually like it rough like that. I mean, to me she was completely inept, but maybe there are those that don’t know the difference. Billions of people enjoy McDonalds after all, not knowing what actual food tastes like.

Now, don’t get me wrong, there are some women that know what they’re doing, but as I said that percentage is around 25%. Where did I come up with that figure you may ask? Well… it’s not really a precise scientific study, but it just seems correct to me. I mean of the 24 people I’ve been with, I’d say the number that were innately talented in bed was about 6. At dinner last night, that same 20-25% figure was held up as well. What about the other 75% you may ask? Are they hopeless? Of course not! They can be taught… it’s just that they don’t have the innate talent. I mean, not everyone is a natural artist or musician, it only stands to reason that not everyone is a natural fucker. Thing is…who has time to be a teacher?

Age and experience have come up in this discussion, and I don’t think that’s of any real consequence. I think once you reach your mid-late twenties, you’ve basically got the works in place. I was once with a very average non-hot 48 year old and her technique matched her looks.

So…do women suck in bed? Well some do, and some don’t, and some will, but some won’t…and yes they do.

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I'm a writer/editor with a penchant for saddle shoes, pontification and fried pork rinds. Equal parts gadfly, cut-up, provocateur, philosopher, and silly-willy. My personal heroes include Reggie Jackson, Elvis Costello and Philip Roth.

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