FACT: Nice girls don’t say “size matters”

RATIONALE: If a woman divulges that the size of a man’s penis matters to her, it reveals that she is sexually experienced enough to admit connoisseurship (i.e. she’s a slut). And she might scare of future lovers who fear the stigma of keeping company with a self-admitted slut.

WHY THAT’S BULLSHIT: All sexual politics, throat clearing, and foot shuffling aside, let’s face facts. We all know size matters.

But before I can get into exactly why that’s the case, I have to make a confession. I have been trying to write this post for two weeks and have roughly six drafts floating around on my desktop. While I think the issue of penis size is fascinating (the fact that men find it even more fascinating than women is what makes it extra fascinating to me, but more on that later), I’m more intrigued by my inability to commit an opinion on the matter to paper. I’ve blithely written about my own experiences with drugs, dildos, glory-holes…you name it…but I couldn’t bring myself to fire off a few lines about the importance of penis size. Why? What could possibly stop me in my tracks?

In the privacy of my own mind, do I shrink from the knowledge that width is a hugely decisive factor in whether or not a gentleman friend gets a second invitation back to Casa Jones after his inaugural run? No. Do I care if anyone knows that I, like most women, am not so interested in a twelve inch penis that will inevitably introduce itself to my cervix in a way that guarantees a classic job-application rejection letter along the lines of “Thank you, but your services (cervixes?) are no longer required.”? No, I do not. Penis size is, in my world, standard locker room talk for the ladies. We all say essentially the same thing: width, good; length, please be reasonable; if you are lacking in either or both, please be inventive with whatever else you’ve got. Period. That’s all, folks.

So why did it take two weeks to write this? It boils down to a conversation I had with a guy friend who was brave enough to answer the size-question honestly. Here’s what he said:

“Unless you’re basically in the “holy shit” range, you’re gonna think about it. Me personally, I don’t think about it unless it’s brought up. And look, I wouldn’t want to be with a woman who hasn’t been with a number of people. Experience counts. But if she DOES talk about size and her latest greatest boyfriend is what you know she’s talking about, then you’re all like “what about me?” It’s hard not to compare, or not to imagine that she’s comparing. Also, if you’re really into a girl and you’re not sure about how she feels about you, the next thing for a guy to do is jump to penis size as a way of measuring his relative worth. Men will create this ideal lover, Brad Pitt with a 12-inch dick. Guys will equate a big penis to being a great lover. Which is not the case, of course. Because I’ve spoken to and been with some women who say that some guys with a huge dick think that’s all they need, which is, of course, totally ridiculous. All equipment and no technique add up to nothing, right? Anyway, when a woman talks about a big penis and you don’t think that’s what you’ve got, just a normal one, it can make you feel like you’ll never satisfy her. And that makes you feel impotent, so why try? You’re incomplete so what’s the point? It’s the quickest way to shut a guy down. If she’s thinking, “This guy is nice but he’s got a small cock”, you know you’re not in the game.”

WHOA!!!!!!

Not the hubris-filled or dismissive grunting response I expected. Of course I knew that men would have feelings on the matter. But I hadn’t wagered on them going so (excuse the pun) deep.
Of course, after my friend was so brave and honest and, from what I learned later, accurately representing what many other men think, I was forced to rethink my position on this subject. Originally, I thought, “Penis size matters primarily to women. This is so because we are the proud owners of a collection of nerve endings that can be properly and pleasurably stimulated if a penis of the right size and shape is allowed to say, “How you doing?” to them. I was wrong.

IN SUMMATION: Right or wrong, penis size seems to matter far more to men than to women. While a woman might care because she’d like a delicious sexual experience, men seem to by lugging huge issues of self-worth around in their boxer-briefs. And while it is ABSOLUTE BULLSHIT to say that nice girls don’t say size matters because it makes them “sluts”, there actually may be a real reason for women not to announce that size matters at the drop of a hat.

Because when you’re dealing with the nutty and potentially emotionally scarred, sometimes it’s just nice to be….nice.

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Lawyer, literary agent, book packager, film producer, writer, New Yorker. Likes long walks on the beach and little dogs. Hates mean people and when the pharmacy runs out of Klonopin.

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