was born in the waning days of the 1960s, six weeks after Woodstock and two months prior to Altamont. This makes me a member of Generation X, the misunderstood demographic that was responsible for giving the world Ace of Base and libertarianism, as defined by the “I’m a Republican but I also own a bong” sensibility.
For a brief moment, Generation X was the demographic du jour, and media personalities struggled to understand who we were. What did we want? Why did we listen to such shitty music? And what’s with all the heroin?
We loved the attention lavished upon us, but it came as quickly as it went, and soon it was all about the demographic after us, the Millennials. We were like disco, and they were like the Ramones, on a mission to destroy us and make us yesterday’s news.
Now the Millennials are getting older, and soon another demographic will come along to make them useless. As a Gen-Xer, I take a certain glee in watching their skin wrinkle and their hair thin. Them losing is like me winning! But let me now cease my joyous dancing upon their graves and offer a sober assessment of the top five differences between Generation X and Millennials.
Generation X will be remembered forever for foisting Nirvana upon the world. Nirvana, for those who don’t remember them, was a fourth-rate Bay City Rollers knockoff band who used distorted guitars to disguise the fact that the songwriting sounded like the theme song to “The Banana Splits.”
The Millennials at least had the stones to admit that they liked listening to stupid crap, so their contribution to American culture was the boy band. Every single boy band was horrible and every day that you wake up and they’re not music any more is cause for celebration. But at least the Millennials never tried to pass off Lance Bass as the spokesman for their generation.
A generation is only as good as the worst movie that it produces. Generation X had a lot to live up to, as the previous generation had provided the goods in the form of both “Stayin’ Alive” AND “Grease 2.” Undeterred, Generation X responded to the challenge with “Showgirls,” the story of a woman from humble beginnings who comes to Las Vegas and puts ice on her nipples. Long after everyone involved in making the movie is dead, its greatness will finally be recognized.
The Millennials saw our “Showgirls” and raised us a “The Room,” an unwatchable abortion of a movie, festooned with a funereal pace and miserable acting. Hollywood has as yet failed to live up to the heights so effortlessly scaled by both “Showgirls” and “The Room,” but who knows? Maybe there’s some 9/11 baby in high school who’s just waiting to take a GoPro and carve out the cinematic masterpiece of the next decade.
DEFINING POLITICAL MOMENTS
Speaking of 9/11, the defining political moment for the members of Generation X was 9/11. Opinion is still split as to the question of whether it was a hoax perpetrated by the Shadow Government or a deception orchestrated by the Bilderberg Group, but one thing’s for sure – you know exactly who to block on Facebook as soon as someone opines that jet fuel can’t melt steel beams.
ObamaCare and the circus surrounding it was the defining political event of the Millennial generation, as it introduced them to a diverse array of people who had never heard of “Pajama Boy” before. It also made it acceptable for people who had previously never had health insurance to become people who refused to buy it, because that would be tyranny.
Generation X is made up of entitled fucks who think the sun rises and sets on their TV viewing habits. Thus, most of them take credit for “Seinfeld,” despite the fact that everyone responsible for the show is a good 20 years older than them. Still, without the show they claim to have midwifed, you would never have the privilege of sitting stone-faced while some 45-year-old entertains you by saying “sponge-worthy” over and over again.
Millennials, meanwhile, gave us “Dawson’s Creek,” a show I must confess I have never watched. The show did give us Katie Holmes though, who provided some entertaining moments as Tom Cruise’s prisoner, and there was also that one movie where she showed her tits. Therefore, Millennials are a force to be reckoned with.
“Eat a sandwich, why don’t ya?” The year was 1994, the billboard depicted Kate Moss and men who were attracted to women with bouncy breasts could find no place at the table, thanks to the “heroin chic” phenomenon. This was also known as the period in which all fashion models were skinny. It didn’t last long, since the models all eventually turned 22 and their sugar daddies got bored with them and stopped feeding them cocaine. But for a glorious moment, there were a lot of concentration camp jokes.
Millennials knew there was no way they could compete with the “heroin chic” movement, but as luck would have it, they didn’t have to. During the 2004 Super Bowl, Justin Timberlake exposed the nipple of his fellow performer Janet Jackson, and humanity has never recovered. Today, Mr. Timberlake has gone on to lose millions of dollars trying to resuscitate MySpace, but we’ll always remember him as the guy who made the halftime show almost worth leaving the bathroom for.